THE POWER OF ONE'S NEED

The older I get the more I learn about the power of ‘need’ in the dynamics of human relationships.  I have not learned this through reading books, at least not on superficial or first readings (although maybe by assimilation over the years by acquaintance with good literature) but mostly I have learned it by observation or involvement with other peoples' needs. 

 

I had long observed that the perceived ‘need’ of the most powerful person in a relationship gets the attention.  Or, it was the squeakiest wheel, so to speak, that got the grease.  In more recent years, however, I have found that the most ‘powerful’ person is not always the healthiest, or oldest, or wisest person of the relationship.  Indeed, it can likely be a baby in a family or the sickest or loudest or most emotionally demanding person who drives the responses, resources, time, or attention of the primary caregiver or need-fulfiller.  I have also learned that primary caregivers usually get their role by default—or proximity.

In earlier, or less ‘enlightened’ times or cultures the most powerful person, and therefore the one whose needs were considered paramount—and thus met—was assumed to have at least one, and probably several of the following qualities: maleness, physical size, physical strength, wealth, other visible or bestowed resources.  If others didn’t recognize those ‘qualities’ – well, too bad: they had to bow to them anyway.  The ‘boss’ was the boss, no matter how he got that way. 

In the long run, though, it was more often than not in a compassionate relationship that the truly neediest person became the receiver.  Some people –infants, the very ill, the least able to survive unassisted—rightly became the focus of the best efforts of the closest related person who had and was willing to share his /her assets—augmented by professional help if it could be afforded. 

And so the role shifts.  We will all find ourselves at some time the best able to provide the help—and at other times the least able.  Every person in an intensive care unit at a hospital or in an ‘assisted care’ facility who still has even a modicum of cognitive ability left will tell you that.   If their need goes beyond that and they can no longer express it and if you have the courage to visit and really observe such a place, you will soon find it out for yourself.  And then, depending on the nobility of your character you may feel prompted to step up and attempt to fulfill the need.

    As my mother used to say, before she could no longer say it, “Getting old is not for sissies.” That is not just a cliché.  It often takes a long time for a young person to recognize that. 

What then is needed?  That which is always needed at every juncture of a person’s life—Charity, ‘the pure love of Christ.’ It really is the only way to responsibly meet the greatest, and for almost all, the last great challenge of life.

And if you are the grateful receiver, then just smile—if you still can.