GIVING AND RECEIVING

I remember my mother, or mother-in-law, or someone saying caustically, “I’d like to give him a piece of my mind!”  I knew what she meant by the way she said it, as you probably did when you heard it.  I have often thought, since, that I too would like to give another person “. . .a piece of my mind,” –but in an entirely different sense.  I have tried to do that over the past few years by giving to my readers my thoughts—a piece of my mind—in these postings.

For that reason, as far as I can tell, I have had for years a difficult time during the Christmas season because of the cultural norm of giving material gifts which clashes with my desire to give decidedly immaterial gifts.  A gift should reflect something that pleases both the giver and the receiver—and it doesn’t have to come in a box.

 

I suppose it started when I read one of my intellectual icons, Ralph Waldo Emerson, who wrote an essay titled “Gifts.”   He said,

“Next to things of necessity, the rule for a gift. . . is that we might convey to some person that which properly belonged to his character, and was easily associated with him in thought.  But our tokens of compliment and love are for the most part barbarous.  Rings and other jewels are not gifts, but apologies for gifts.  The only gift is a portion of thyself.  Thou must bleed for me.  Therefore the poet brings his poem; the shepherd, his lamb; the farmer, corn, . . . the painter, his picture; the girl, a handkerchief of her own sewing.  This is right and pleasing . . . . But it is a cold, lifeless business when you go to the shops to buy me something, which does not represent your life and talent, but a goldsmith’s.” 

The incident at the gate of the temple with the apostles Peter and John interacting with the beggar illustrates this well.  The lame man asked an alms of the apostles.  Their response was exactly what was most appropriate to the situation.  Find out what that was by reading from the Bible,  Acts 3:1-8.  And he, the receiver of the gift, was likewise appropriate in his response.

John Steinbeck, a famous author who left a legacy in where I live, wrote of a friend of his (and a friend of many others) who, despite this man’s many eccentricities and moral failings knew how to give the gift of himself.  Steinbeck wrote:

 “Ed’s gift for receiving made him a great teacher [and friend].  In conversation you found yourself telling him things—thoughts, conjectures, hypotheses—and you found a pleased surprise at yourself for having arrived at something you were not aware that you could think or know.  It gave you such a good sense of participation with him that you could present him with this wonder.  Then Ed would say, “Yes, that’s so.  That’s the way it might be and besides—” and he would illuminate it but not so that he took it away from you.  He simply accepted it.”  Then, “When you had something from him it was not something that was his that he tore away from himself.  When you had a thought from him or a piece of music. . . or a steak dinner, it was not his—it was yours already, and his was only the head and hand that steadied it in position toward you.  For this reason no one was ever cut off from him.  Association with him was deep participation. . . .” 

So, if you don’t get a gift (a material gift) from me don’t think too ill of me, and I won’t of you because I am simply on a different wavelength from the norm—if you didn’t already know!  You have received my gift.  Merry (better yet a sacred) Christmas to you!

SEXUAL MISCONDUCT

It goes by many names: misconduct; harassment; victimization; assault; abuse; boys being ‘fresh’; ‘boys being boys’; boys being jerks; etc.

These are euphemisms, what the dictionary calls the substitution of a mild or indirect expression for one unpleasant or offensive.  To get right down to it, it is rape.  Rape cannot be just of a woman’s body, it can also be of her spirit or her identity.  It is terribly wrong. 

When I think of young women being raped or enslaved in sex trafficking I think of Elizabeth Smart who was abducted in 2002 and raped every day for 9 months straight by an evil man named Brian David Mitchell before finally being rescued.  I was glad to see that her abductor was given two life sentences in the penitentiary. I would have given him some 'cruel and unusual punishment' as well if it was in my power to do so--as it is in a few countries.  Worldwide girls who are abducted for sex slaves are, in reality, being raped many times a day before being completely ruined or killed by their 'handlers.'  

I applaud women who have suffered probably less traumatic abuse for finally coming forth and identifying the men who have so damaged their lives. These men need help and to be brought to justice when they have gone over the line.

  

It seems that men who perceive they have some kind of power over women are the kind of men who do these things.  They seem to think that their celebrity or position entitles them to take advantage of a physically or emotionally vulnerable or some perceived weaker human being—women usually, sometimes children.  I am appalled by these men—they are a disgrace to the male gender.

   

As for the women, they too can be faulted for misconduct if they in any way encourage a man’s inappropriate advances.  They must know that men are easily encouraged. Encouragement, of course, does not give license, but it sends a signal that many men of whatever age interpret as ‘go.’ I think many women underestimate an undisciplined (by honor, or religion, or recognition of a girl’s or woman’s personal rights) man’s attraction to the female body.

 

Far too many women, today, do this by their revealing dress.  You see it everywhere.  Look at women on talk show television; there it is really a leg show.  Women in everyday dress now reveal their breasts to a degree women even 25 years ago would rarely have done.  And, of course, now ‘augmentation’ (surely for male visual consumption) is commonplace.  Women on television dance shows or ‘talent’ shows usually dress and often act very immodestly. Even for athletic events such as beach volleyball or track and field sprint races or gymnastics or even golf women dress in ways that are not at all necessary for good athletic performance.  ‘Fitness clothing’ at gyms is often quite immodest.  Most of today’s prom dresses are likewise an invitation for young men to make an advance.

I think women must ask themselves why they are doing these things before presenting themselves in an alluring way before men and then getting nervous or not knowing what to do when men respond.  Add to this flirtatious behavior and the fire is stoked for men.  They take it as an invitation.  Or, they just take it.

 

But back to men’s egregious behavior.  Probably in all ages of mankind has the male taken the aggressive behavior when it comes to sex.  Women must understand this and if they do not want to be taken advantage of must take protective steps.  They must have a worked-out strategy if things start to get out of hand.  They must not play with fire, regardless of who has ignited it.  

Some of those steps a woman can take are obvious: modest dress and clean language; always being in the company of trusted friends and never finding themselves alone in a car or a room or secluded place with men who they do not know very well; being in well-lighted places with others they trust; not becoming under the influence of alcohol or drugs themselves or being around others who are; not engaging in ‘entertainment’ --live or vicarious -- where others are behaving improperly such as parties, concerts, movies, videos, electronic entertainment including suggestive music, and any books or magazines with pornographic content.

The best thing men can do is to not engage in anything that stimulates them to focus or fantasize on women in an inappropriate way.  They must develop and then quickly activate activities that cool them down.  They must also develop a general attitude of respect for women and avoid being around women who they cannot respect or who stimulate them not to respect themselves. 

I have always believed in a chivalrous code to guide a man’s behavior in relation to women.  If a man cannot attract or win a woman’s friendship or love by decent behavior he should be rejected by the women he finds himself in the presence of and they should give him no ‘privilege’ of any kind.  This includes in the workplace, in school, and in family relations (especially in some cultures the extended family). 

It can be done.  Passions can be bridled just as a horse can be bridled.  And a man can gain great power over himself in that way—power that can be used in great ways that benefit himself and others.  And good women are drawn to that kind of power—that kind of man.  In that case it’s a win-win for both, and for society!