A Conversation About Conversations

Actually, this is not a conversation because a conversation involves two or more people who give and take input in something like a verbal dance.  Remember, ‘It takes two to tango,’ and it’s nice to talk to those you dance with--and to let them respond.
 

Listen more than you talk. Ironically enough, the key to the art of conversation is not in the talking, but in the listening.  Even silence can be part of conversation. Avoid conversational narcissism. Ask those you converse with interesting and thoughtful questions.  For example, don’t ask what someone does and leave it at that; ask them what the hardest part of their job is, how it went the last time they did thus and so or what do they think about….Then ask follow-up questions to tease out more details.

Use people’s names. People love to talk about themselves. But don’t you be one of them.  Act, and better yet be, genuinely interested by focusing on who’s talking and adding ‘go on’ verbal or body language affirmations at appropriate moments.

And put your phone away! Psychologist Sherry Turkle, Ph.D, (see Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in the Digital Age, Penguin Press, 2015) says, “Empathy is born in the conversations where you look somebody in the eye and you sense their body, you sense their pauses, their stops, their starts. You’re really paying attention to them. That’s not going to happen if you interrupt that conversation to go to your phone. We can reclaim conversation and reclaim empathy and reclaim the kinds of relationships that we deserve to have with each other.”  Dr. Turkle also says to not be afraid of  “…small talk. These are the non-transactional conversations where you build a relationship, get to know about another person. Get to understand how somebody else thinks. That’s the business of conversation. It’s not an algorithm.”

Come to an occasion armed with topics at the ready. On the way to a gathering of people such as a party or family gathering you would do well to think about the people you will be seeing and brainstorm mentally topics where you may have some commonality of interest.  If it is a potentially adversarial interaction come armed with some thought-out, but polite, responses should you be challenged. But don’t you bring up what others would take as a taboo or highly controversial  subject. Some people, I’ve read, mentally rehearse the possible scenario and roughly formulate an opening and questions they can ask. For example, “Dad will like to hear about how the water project is coming along”; or, “Amy just got back from seeing her family in Utah, so I’ll ask about that”; or “I’ll see what Matt thought about that book I loaned him.” But don’t come with a ‘scripted’ conversation. Be sensitive for natural conversational starters. 

Sherry Turkle also notes, “If you don’t know the people you will be conversing with, think about the things that will probably interest those you meet.” Ask them about the unique aspects of their locale (“I saw an interesting welcoming sign on the way into town. What’s the story behind your city?”), read up on the company they work for (“I hear you should be having a lot of snow this winter; how are your people preparing for that?). And don’t be afraid to ask those who do know the others better for some background information.

Tailor the conversation to the listener. Some topics in certain groups are toxic so obviously avoid introducing them. If such topics are introduced by others and you can sense that pursuit of the topic might lead to a negative outcome avoid taking the bait if you want the situation to stay cordial or to develop positively. And when in any doubt, don’t. But a much better rule is simply to tailor your conversation topics to those with whom you are conversing. Things such as current events, or some event that involved the other person if you are knowledgeable and interested may bring you together; talking about golf or motorcycles or flower arranging in mixed company will bore half the room; not bringing up the topic if a listener in the group has recently done well would be an opportunity missed.

Take your turn. A conversation is a group project, with each person weaving in a tidbit here and there. It’s no time for monologues. If you notice that you have talked for a few minutes without any questions, comments, or general signs of life from other people, you are likely sucking up the air in the room. Cede the floor to someone else.

Think before you speak. Most foot-in-mouth moments occur because of a failure to think before speaking. You rant about the stupidity of war and then remember your friend’s boyfriend just returned from Afghanistan. To avoid offending, don’t throw out statements laden with value-judgments. For example, instead of saying, “That presidential candidate sure is a moron, huh?” Ask, “What do you think of presidential candidate __________’s  proposal to nuke the Middle East?”

5 Don’ts of Conversation

Don’t interrupt. There are actually two forms of interrupting.

The obvious one, interrupting the speaker in mid-sentence, is easy to avoid: just wait until the other has stopped talking before you start. (And don’t ever say, “Have you finished?) The other kind of interruption, equally culpable, is often prefaced by “That reminds me…” or “By the way, I…” Such phrases usually signal a digression or irrelevancy and attempts to turn the attention to the interrupter.  When you interrupt another's train of thought, or send a discussion off into a tangent, you indicate that you are either insensitive or rude, either unable or unwilling to stick with the speaker’s point, or that you think your digression is clearly superior to what the other person was talking about and his viewpoint can be done away with.

  

Even if everyone observed these rules, telephones, text messages and new arrivals would always conspire to interrupt you in mid-point. When you are interrupted, the politest thing to do is the hardest thing: shut up. Don’t go back and finish a story — don’t excavate a buried point — unless you are asked to do so. If a new listener has come up in mid-story, a polite someone else will brief him on the subject and ask you to go on; the polite newcomer will second the nomination; only then, with the briefest possible synopsis of what you said before, can you go on. If you are not given these cues, it may be because your story has run out of steam so let it go.

  

Don’t talk to only one person when conversing in a group.  Look at and turn to everyone; if you don’t, this leaves the others dangling and awkward on the periphery. This is not simply a matter of whom you are physically conversing with — you can also ice people out by choosing subjects on which they have no interest or knowledge. Bring up topics on which everyone can make a contribution.

Don’t engage in “one-upping.” The one-upper makes a highly annoying

 conversationalist. You say you just bought a good used Honda Civic; he raises you one by talking about the rare Lotus he found at auction that was used by some celebrity. The one-upper believes that his stories show his superiority; on the contrary, they reveal his naked insecurity.

Don’t overshare. We’ve all met the person who pours out his life story as soon as you meet him. Within two minutes you know why his girlfriend dumped him, how worried he is about losing his hair, and why he’ll never be promoted at work. This instant unburdening reads as desperation and repels people faster than water off a duck’s back. Better is to cultivate a little mystery; leave people intrigued and wanting more.

And at the same time, you don’t want to dig too deeply into the personal life of other people. Respect the privacy of others. To avoid inadvertently touching on a sensitive spot, instead of asking someone about X, volunteer that information about yourself. A person who is comfortable talking about X will typically offer up their own experience in turn. If they don’t respond in kind, change the subject.

The Number One Rule of Conversation: Be Natural

As with most matters of etiquette and sociality, once you understand the ground rules, stop thinking about them so much and let things flow. It doesn’t matter how polite you are if you come off as a phony. Drop the affectations. Talk about things that you’re comfortable talking about; use words that you’re comfortable using. Genuinely try to make the other person comfortable and you will be comfortable yourself.