The Demise (?) of Marriage

It is not my habit to read ‘advice’ columns in our local newspaper.  Neither is it my habit to listen to the ‘bleeding heart’ advice dished up by ‘Deliliah’ and her ‘cheer me up with a love song’ syndicated radio program.  But I did recently read a ‘Ask Amy’ column written by Amy Dickinson titled “Woman stays with abusive partner"; and I did listen to about a half-hour of ‘Deliliah’s commiserating  on my car radio.  Both the advice column and the sad women who called the radio host addressed what has devolved into a chronic and serious social problem—one that is badly hurting our nation.  Marriage is misunderstood—and mislived by many.

I want to talk about marriage—damaged marriages in particular; and lastly I want to contrast them to the ideal. 

   

To the contrary of the constructs of social theorists and many newlyweds, marriage is a divine institution, not just a social convenience or arrangement. In its finest expression it is a sacred covenant, not just a loose contract.  Thinking otherwise is the beginning of the problem of weakened, damaged, or destroyed marriages. The vision of an ideal marriage—a union of hearts, minds, bodies, and goals must be always kept before the partners.  A marriage is not just a flashy wedding; many never learn that. 

 

Marriage and the having and nurturance of families was addressed by deity Himself in the earliest of the documents of Christianity—the first four chapters of the book of Genesis of the Bible. There we learn that marriage and family is among the most important purposes of our mortality—and our immortality.  Treating or valuing marriage and family as less than paramount importance, even if one has not been or cannot currently be party to the ideal, is the cause of much of the unhappiness among people.

I would like to posit five classes or types of marriage we find in our society.  Except for those who are born out-of-wedlock (which is more and more becoming the case) most people have direct personal experience with one of these types.  I will call them Class A (the finest marriages—the ideal); Class B—good marriages; Class C; Class D; and Class E.

Taking Class D marriages (the all-to-common ‘Modern Marriage’ or long-term non-marriage or ‘relationship’) first, these are characterized by the following approaches, attitudes and behaviors:

·        The couple emphasize the virtual equality, or autonomy, of the sexes.  It is thought of as a ‘partnership,’ a convenient contractual or assumed agreement between consenting adults. An emphasis on unity, even at the beginning, is rarely made.  The line between a ‘male’ role and a ‘female’ role is also blurred and even erased. The outcome in such relationships is that over time the woman, all too frequently, is left with ashes instead of roses—she gets far less than the 50% she thought she was going to get.   A sense of incompleteness  and dissatisfaction is  inevitable. Abandonment of the woman is all too common.

·        Initially it is encouraged by modern contraceptive methods which virtually frees the female member from unwanted pregnancy.  The accepted availability of abortion is an additional ‘equalizing’ factor between the man and the woman.  She can now sow without the necessity of reaping.  But reaping—reaping something good-- is the all-too-infrequent outcome of such ‘arrangements.’ They are hollow and incomplete.

Class E marriages (authoritarian, once called ‘Victorian’ marriages) may start out with typical hopes or expectations but quickly devolve into authoritarian autocracies.  The male dominates the woman who becomes a virtual slave to her husband—to his wishes and desires.  Abuse—verbal, emotional, and physical—typify this charade.  It is a trap and is perpetuated only out of a need for some security or out of fear if entrenchment is begun but compliance (by her) is not forthcoming.  The woman is expected to ‘stand by her man,’ even if he is inebriated, rarely around, or worse. 

 

A step up from the Class D and Class E marriages is the Class C or Self-indulgent or natural-man type marriage.  Professed love for their mate is usually peripheral to their own fulfillment; at their basis they need a mate to do something for them.  More often than not it is not so much a genuine love attraction to the other person and a desire to be ‘at one’ with them as it is for some self-serving or manipulative motive or other reason: money, a ‘trophy’ spouse, career advantages, social status, relief from boredom, ready access to sex, or escape from an unhappy home or work situation.  These marriages are shallow and have in them a built-in obsolescence.  Children are paradoxically either an unwanted by-product (especially so for the male) or the real focus of the union (more often for the woman).  They are often godless for both companions or almost always godless for one of the partners.  They have no depth or real foundation. 

 

A Class B marriage would be considered a good marriage by most standards.  The spouses are honorable people and they genuinely love each other.  Loyalty and fidelity to their mate is the rule.  There are meaningful interdependencies and commonalities, genuine compatibility, and very similar if not the same values and goals.  Where interests differ they are respected and supported by the other spouse.    In these marriages children are cherished and welcomed into the home.  Family is important, and time with the family and spouse is a very high priority.  A strong religious faith is often, but not always, important to these marriages.  A desire for and quest of affluence is of markedly lesser importance than the other values indicated above.

 

Class A marriages.  These are marriages that have the true potential to endure—not just ‘till death do us part.’  They have all the ingredients of the Class B marriage plus more.   God must be a party to this association—indeed to any association, hope, or expectation—if it is to endure into the eternities.  God makes it possible—not just wishful thinking, notwithstanding the myriad love-songs to the contrary.  Ordinance administered by God-given authority is required.  That means that pride must be surrendered and obedience to eternal law submitted to.  How could it be otherwise?  But the two marriage partners—man and woman—must also be holy people for there to be ‘holy matrimony’ for them in heaven.  The couple must be pure and must be ‘one.’  They must be spiritually based.  Moreover, the couple’s hearts must not be mindless.  God requires the heart and a willing mind. Those who desire the best must be the best.  For our highest desire (eternal life in the marriage and family unit) to be granted to us, we must give our highest allegiance to God and then to each other.

 A ‘Class A’ or celestial marriage  requires our ultimate act of mutual consecration.  It is possible, satisfying and enriching, and I believe highly desirable.