‘Connecting’
or being ‘connected’ is a word one hears quite often in our world today. I like the word. I have
been long intrigued with the notion that some or many of our most important ‘connections’
with others may have been foreordained. On the other hand, perhaps
other pre-requisite ‘encounters’—even ‘close encounters’— and subsequent
interactions that may have led to satisfying ‘connections’ have been squandered
or never come to fruition because we did not initially perceive their value and
develop them to be to the great advantage of both parties.
But I like
the notion of the extension of connecting—which is ‘bonding,’—even better. I
like it because for me it implies the greatest (strongest and most natural) of
all human interactions or connections—those that can be found in marriage and
family—between a man and a woman wedded in holy matrimony and between a parent
and a child in a secure and loving home. Deep bonding can even occur in relationships
forged in something like a military squadron—a ‘band of brothers.’ Bonding takes trust, reliance upon, and
sacrifice to occur.
But before a
bonding comes a connection. And before a
connection comes interaction. And before
interaction comes an enlightened encounter.
An encounter is like two ships passing
each other in the night, each staying in its lane even though they were briefly
in close proximity to each other. Or they may be like the
encounters on a busy sidewalk in a big city with innumerable people passing by
each other going in different directions, no one ever ‘seeing’ the other except
as objects to avoid. They shared,
briefly, the same space and same time, breathed the same air, heard the same
sounds, but they were worlds apart. Encounters of this type don’t satisfy; they may even frustrate.
Enlightenment
comes when we perceive that our intersections or encounters may not have been
random at all.
So, what
does it take to travel the road from encounter
to connection to bonding? You’ve got to
bring your world into the same orbit as the other’s world.
I think it
takes first a desire to make a connection, and then if the proper steps are
taken and if the encounter was acknowledged, developed and satisfactory to both
parties, then the road is open to proceed from there. It will become more natural as time goes on.
Think about
the inductive chain that leads from a desire to an encounter to connection to
bonding in any number of human or even inanimate experiences: meeting another person for the
first time; developing a new skill such as learning to play a musical instrument
or learning to dance; building a concrete sidewalk; in metal work observing the interaction
between the iron, the welding rod and the heat that is applied; understanding
how two ends of a broken bone must again be brought together (reduced or
‘encounter’ each other again), ‘connected’ (held together touching each other
without movement for a period of time in a cast) and ‘bonded’ as the callus or
new bone tissue hardens and becomes one bone once again.
In the realm
of potential human bonding you have to allow yourself to get out of your own
insulated ‘world’ or move your world into the world orbit of another person who
has something you desire for yourself.
You will need to:
·
Put
yourself in proximity to the person, situation, or environment you crave.
·
Learn
what the rules, expectations and culture is of the situation you want to enter. Observe, observe, observe and observe. Then act on what you have learned.
·
Change
about yourself what you need to be more like those who are already in the desired environment.
But retain the essence—the finest, most
contributive part—of who you are so the other party will want to invite you in.
A few
examples:
You can’t
hit a home-run unless you step up to the plate and face the pitcher. You can’t meet the cute girl across the dance
floor unless you go to the dance, walk across the room, smile, look the girl in
the eye and then say something nice to her.
You can’t be a pastry chef unless you step into the kitchen, get your
hands in the flour, mix the ingredients, and ask questions of someone who knows
what they are doing—and then not being afraid of stepping to the oven with your
masterpiece in hand.
And in all
of these things, and myriad others, you’ve got to watch, listen and appear—nay be, genuinely interested in the other. Successful people in human relationships are
not posers; they are truthful and genuine, brave and persevering. They get up when they get knocked down; then
they take the initiative again.
You will be
much more likely to make connection with another person if you get close to,
talk to, listen to, use their name as many times as you can early on, touch,
serve, help, compliment, take interest in, leave a reminder of yourself, give
something to, and follow-up as soon as you can.
In summary:
You’ve got to ‘dance,’ so to speak, before you
can bond. Think of all the ingredients
that make up a dance—touch, rhythm, forward and backward and sideward steps,
staying with the music, knowing who is leading and who is following, always
showing off your partner in the best light, maintaining proper connection, eye
contact, form and expression. Then
practice, practice, practice.
Finally,
make sure you let the ‘encounter’ with whom you are attempting to ‘connect’
know you can’t dance the waltz alone.
You need him/her; they need you.
Then, with music you can both have a most satisfying experience and even
the ultimate experience. A bonding or becoming ‘one’ with the other person then
becomes a real possibility.
