Advice and Marriage Advice (a two part dose)

I recently read something that went something like this: ‘Those who will take advice probably don’t need it; those who need advice probably won’t take it.’ I totally agree with the last seven words of that couplet; I take some issue with the first nine words. I think we all need advice from time to time; it may be a new insight for us or it may be an important reminder of something we have forgotten or neglected, but another view certainly won’t hurt us if we are properly grounded. Again, as for the first part of the above saying, another saying comes to mind: ‘Ignorance of one’s own ignorance is the malady of the ignorant.’

One other thought along these lines: We all, every one of us, has at least one blind spot that we aren’t aware of or don’t give adequate attention to. Others can often see it, and if we aren’t too thin-skinned having it pointed out to us we might greatly benefit from advice given regarding it. Every coach knows this. But every coach also knows that some people are uncoachable, and when the performer has great potential but does not think he or she can be helped it is always a sad day for that coach—and ultimately even sadder for the person who ends up underachieving or never achieving.

Now, some marriage advice from one who has had three happy marriages. When I was a Church leader counseling people who were engaged or contemplating marriage I gave a slightly more religious version of what follows. Take it for what it is worth to you—whether you are married and wish it turned out better (it still can, hence the advice) or unmarried and are committed to having it turn out great (hence the advice).

--Remember that your companion comes first—not you; not your job; not your hobbies; not your Church calling; not your friends; not even your children or your birth family. Only your relationship to your God takes precedence; all the others have their proper place.

--Be totally loyal to your companion. You have made a commitment to them; never cause them to doubt or violate their trust. Stay worthy of his/her love.

--Try to do nice things for your companion as often as possible. Find out what they like and try to please them. Surprise him/her with what you know they like.

--Make a strong religious life together—not just on your formal day of worship.

--Never spend a sizable amount of money without first discussing it with your partner. Then, be in agreement or don’t spend the money.

--Help (willingly) with what some might call role-related tasks such as housework, meals, business tasks, etc. Always ask, “What can I do to make life easier for my partner?” Anticipate what needs doing, and then help however you can.

--Do not make critical, sarcastic, cutting, or hurtful remarks. Never try to “get back” or “get even” even if you are convinced you are right. If you do you have become the one in the wrong. Keep your voice low. Tread gently on their heart.

--Don’t be lazy or sloppy. Clean up your own messes.

--Always be clean and well groomed in the presence of your spouse. Make him/her proud of how you look. Don’t let down physically.

--Back off and give your partner space if he/she is having a bad day. We all have a bad day occasionally. Be especially supportive on these days.

--Be interesting. Learn new things and share them with your companion. Read together, work together and play together. Have hobbies and interests together; but allow independent interests as long as they do not pull you apart.

--Talk to each other and listen, really listen, with ears, eyes and heart. Your undivided attention is critical; don’t multi-task when they are talking to you. Always be there for each other when they need you.

--Don’t do or say things or ask that which is offensive to your companion. Be sensitive. This is especially important in sexual intimacy.

--Be respectful of your companion’s heritage, family, and background.

--Be tolerant. Be patient. Realize that you are not perfect either. Try to be “one.” Unity in marriage is far more important than diversity.

--Forgive easily. Forgive totally. And forgive instantly. Then forget.

--Don’t sweat the small stuff. What is a big deal one day is often laughable the next day. Let things cool off before you deal with them. Give it time.

--Be cheerful and pleasant. This is more important than you may suppose.

--Keep the romance in your marriage. Passion and tenderness is a wonderful mix! Brew up the mix often.