THE PAIN OF THE HUMAN (Young Adult) CONDITION

In recent months I have directed much of my reading to going back over what I have read previously by the Pulitzer and Nobel prize-winning author John Steinbeck (1902-1968).

I am not a fan of Steinbeck’s politics, personal life or morality, but he was a fine novelist (as many writers of great literature really are) and showed great insight as he looked at the pain of the human condition.  Here are some things from one of his writings he said that I, too, think a lot about and wonder how true, in 2018, they might still be:

“During the years 1930 to 1940, the nation was preoccupied with . . . difficulties [of the Great Depression and impending war between other nations], not impossible of solution, but requiring thought and trial and error and some conflict. It is not possible to know whether a solution could have been reached. But during that period when a direction had not been set, nor an end established, a generation of young men and young women were kept marking time, not knowing where they were going; in fact, concerned only with keeping alive until some direction was established toward which they could go. Young men coming out of the schools, finding no jobs, having no goals, became first despondent and then cynical . . . the product of mental and physical idleness, [which] descended upon the youth of the country. An anarchy of thought and action had in fact settled over the young people of the country.

An antidote for the poisons of this idleness and indirection might eventually have been found . . . some economic direction or trend to tear away the lethargy. But meanwhile, with one set of certainties gone and no new set established, the country floundered about--floundered about in fact so convincingly that our enemies considered us to be in a dying condition [and vulnerable]. Some of our leaders wished to cut the world in half—to defend this hemisphere against the other [nations, economically and culturally by a policy of isolation ]. . . .

Our arguments and disunity might have kept us ineffective or only partly effective until it was too late. But Germany and Japan were bound to blunder sooner or later, and blunder they did. In attacking us they destroyed their greatest ally, our sluggishness, our selfishness, and our disunity.” John Steinbeck, Bombs Away: The Story of a Bomber Team (1942).

What is now, 2018, causing the angst that I so often sense among many young men of our generation?  Is it money problems or economic insecurity? A lack of marriage prospects or of rewarding relationships? Dissatisfaction with work? Problems at home? Fear of the future? Lack of a strong religious faith? Disillusionment with government? What is it, or is everything just great?  I think it is not. Social statistics show that it is not.

Arguably, there are some things most of us individually cannot do much to control: political or foreign policy issues, climate change, world health concerns, financial market volatility, organized crime, etc. But there are things we can do about most of our personal issues and anxieties. They can be managed much better if we would just maintain a balance between our 4,5, or 6 critical dimensions (it depends on who you listen to—I believe there are least 6 elements).  These dimensions of happiness and wellness: our physical (nutrition, exercise, sleep habits), emotional, spiritual, social, intellectual, and occupational/financial prospects.

 

If you are not happy or well chances are great that at least one dimension is out-of-balance or completely lacking. These things can be handled. Talk to someone who knows about the dimensions of a balanced life—and then make the changes!

I hope it is not another war that causes us to rally and break our current cycle of discontent. We can and must be proactive!

MY SADDEST DAY

This is a religious essay because my thoughts for days have been riveted on this most religiously centered week of the year for the Christian world.  And it comes to a point this day.  It is tendered to bring some understanding to my friends who are not Christians or those who are but whose faith has grown dim.  I do this also in memoria and in gratitude for the man Jesus, who I consider to be the Redeemer and Savior of this world.

It starts with ‘when,’ and it ends with ‘why.’

Today is Friday, March 30, 2018.  It is 1:00 p.m. Tomorrow, Saturday, for us, will begin at 12:00:00 midnight.  For the Hebrews, it also is Friday, but their ‘tomorrow’ begins at dusk, not long after sundown today—when three ‘stars’ can become observable or, some say, the moment when a hair from the head held at arm’s length appears to change color from dark to light.

My point in bringing this up is that as a Christian the saddest day for me, as measured by Hebrew time, occurred during that 24 hour period that began not long after sunset on Thursday of this week, about 2,000 years ago, when Jesus went into the Garden of Gethsemane to consummate the essence of His mission at the base of the Mount of Olives outside Jerusalem. It ended, for Him, at about 3:00 p.m. on Friday when he died on the cross after being crucified. That entire time was a time of great suffering for Him, the most innocent man.

What happened to Him in the Garden of Gethsemane at the beginning of what we call the Atonement of Jesus Christ and at the end of this period, His death by crucifixion, was done for all of mankind as God’s great gift—what Christians call ‘grace’ for a fallen world.  It would bring immortality for all people, and an even greater ‘reward’ for those who had faith in Christ, who did their own repentance, and who would keep the commandments of God.  It paid the price required by Eternal law for the breaking of this law by all accountable persons.   It was done out of love—the sheer love of a Father and His most beloved Son for His other children (us)—not necessarily out of their love for Him.  And it was rejected, ironically, or counted but myth by most of God’s children.

It is the saddest day for me because of the physical and emotional anguish it cost Him, and because so many of the world’s population have rejected this GIFT of gifts.  It was heart-breaking for Him as well.  He wept as He came to Jerusalem for the last time as a mortal man: “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered your children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not!  Behold, your house is left unto you desolate” (Matthew 23:37-38).

 

Still, He atoned for all of them.  “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13).

 

Even non-scripture writers have sensed the pathos of this: “For of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, it might have been.” (John Greenleaf Whittier)

 It breaks my heart. 

GIVING AND RECEIVING

I remember my mother, or mother-in-law, or someone saying caustically, “I’d like to give him a piece of my mind!”  I knew what she meant by the way she said it, as you probably did when you heard it.  I have often thought, since, that I too would like to give another person “. . .a piece of my mind,” –but in an entirely different sense.  I have tried to do that over the past few years by giving to my readers my thoughts—a piece of my mind—in these postings.

For that reason, as far as I can tell, I have had for years a difficult time during the Christmas season because of the cultural norm of giving material gifts which clashes with my desire to give decidedly immaterial gifts.  A gift should reflect something that pleases both the giver and the receiver—and it doesn’t have to come in a box.

 

I suppose it started when I read one of my intellectual icons, Ralph Waldo Emerson, who wrote an essay titled “Gifts.”   He said,

“Next to things of necessity, the rule for a gift. . . is that we might convey to some person that which properly belonged to his character, and was easily associated with him in thought.  But our tokens of compliment and love are for the most part barbarous.  Rings and other jewels are not gifts, but apologies for gifts.  The only gift is a portion of thyself.  Thou must bleed for me.  Therefore the poet brings his poem; the shepherd, his lamb; the farmer, corn, . . . the painter, his picture; the girl, a handkerchief of her own sewing.  This is right and pleasing . . . . But it is a cold, lifeless business when you go to the shops to buy me something, which does not represent your life and talent, but a goldsmith’s.” 

The incident at the gate of the temple with the apostles Peter and John interacting with the beggar illustrates this well.  The lame man asked an alms of the apostles.  Their response was exactly what was most appropriate to the situation.  Find out what that was by reading from the Bible,  Acts 3:1-8.  And he, the receiver of the gift, was likewise appropriate in his response.

John Steinbeck, a famous author who left a legacy in where I live, wrote of a friend of his (and a friend of many others) who, despite this man’s many eccentricities and moral failings knew how to give the gift of himself.  Steinbeck wrote:

 “Ed’s gift for receiving made him a great teacher [and friend].  In conversation you found yourself telling him things—thoughts, conjectures, hypotheses—and you found a pleased surprise at yourself for having arrived at something you were not aware that you could think or know.  It gave you such a good sense of participation with him that you could present him with this wonder.  Then Ed would say, “Yes, that’s so.  That’s the way it might be and besides—” and he would illuminate it but not so that he took it away from you.  He simply accepted it.”  Then, “When you had something from him it was not something that was his that he tore away from himself.  When you had a thought from him or a piece of music. . . or a steak dinner, it was not his—it was yours already, and his was only the head and hand that steadied it in position toward you.  For this reason no one was ever cut off from him.  Association with him was deep participation. . . .” 

So, if you don’t get a gift (a material gift) from me don’t think too ill of me, and I won’t of you because I am simply on a different wavelength from the norm—if you didn’t already know!  You have received my gift.  Merry (better yet a sacred) Christmas to you!

SEXUAL MISCONDUCT

It goes by many names: misconduct; harassment; victimization; assault; abuse; boys being ‘fresh’; ‘boys being boys’; boys being jerks; etc.

These are euphemisms, what the dictionary calls the substitution of a mild or indirect expression for one unpleasant or offensive.  To get right down to it, it is rape.  Rape cannot be just of a woman’s body, it can also be of her spirit or her identity.  It is terribly wrong. 

When I think of young women being raped or enslaved in sex trafficking I think of Elizabeth Smart who was abducted in 2002 and raped every day for 9 months straight by an evil man named Brian David Mitchell before finally being rescued.  I was glad to see that her abductor was given two life sentences in the penitentiary. I would have given him some 'cruel and unusual punishment' as well if it was in my power to do so--as it is in a few countries.  Worldwide girls who are abducted for sex slaves are, in reality, being raped many times a day before being completely ruined or killed by their 'handlers.'  

I applaud women who have suffered probably less traumatic abuse for finally coming forth and identifying the men who have so damaged their lives. These men need help and to be brought to justice when they have gone over the line.

  

It seems that men who perceive they have some kind of power over women are the kind of men who do these things.  They seem to think that their celebrity or position entitles them to take advantage of a physically or emotionally vulnerable or some perceived weaker human being—women usually, sometimes children.  I am appalled by these men—they are a disgrace to the male gender.

   

As for the women, they too can be faulted for misconduct if they in any way encourage a man’s inappropriate advances.  They must know that men are easily encouraged. Encouragement, of course, does not give license, but it sends a signal that many men of whatever age interpret as ‘go.’ I think many women underestimate an undisciplined (by honor, or religion, or recognition of a girl’s or woman’s personal rights) man’s attraction to the female body.

 

Far too many women, today, do this by their revealing dress.  You see it everywhere.  Look at women on talk show television; there it is really a leg show.  Women in everyday dress now reveal their breasts to a degree women even 25 years ago would rarely have done.  And, of course, now ‘augmentation’ (surely for male visual consumption) is commonplace.  Women on television dance shows or ‘talent’ shows usually dress and often act very immodestly. Even for athletic events such as beach volleyball or track and field sprint races or gymnastics or even golf women dress in ways that are not at all necessary for good athletic performance.  ‘Fitness clothing’ at gyms is often quite immodest.  Most of today’s prom dresses are likewise an invitation for young men to make an advance.

I think women must ask themselves why they are doing these things before presenting themselves in an alluring way before men and then getting nervous or not knowing what to do when men respond.  Add to this flirtatious behavior and the fire is stoked for men.  They take it as an invitation.  Or, they just take it.

 

But back to men’s egregious behavior.  Probably in all ages of mankind has the male taken the aggressive behavior when it comes to sex.  Women must understand this and if they do not want to be taken advantage of must take protective steps.  They must have a worked-out strategy if things start to get out of hand.  They must not play with fire, regardless of who has ignited it.  

Some of those steps a woman can take are obvious: modest dress and clean language; always being in the company of trusted friends and never finding themselves alone in a car or a room or secluded place with men who they do not know very well; being in well-lighted places with others they trust; not becoming under the influence of alcohol or drugs themselves or being around others who are; not engaging in ‘entertainment’ --live or vicarious -- where others are behaving improperly such as parties, concerts, movies, videos, electronic entertainment including suggestive music, and any books or magazines with pornographic content.

The best thing men can do is to not engage in anything that stimulates them to focus or fantasize on women in an inappropriate way.  They must develop and then quickly activate activities that cool them down.  They must also develop a general attitude of respect for women and avoid being around women who they cannot respect or who stimulate them not to respect themselves. 

I have always believed in a chivalrous code to guide a man’s behavior in relation to women.  If a man cannot attract or win a woman’s friendship or love by decent behavior he should be rejected by the women he finds himself in the presence of and they should give him no ‘privilege’ of any kind.  This includes in the workplace, in school, and in family relations (especially in some cultures the extended family). 

It can be done.  Passions can be bridled just as a horse can be bridled.  And a man can gain great power over himself in that way—power that can be used in great ways that benefit himself and others.  And good women are drawn to that kind of power—that kind of man.  In that case it’s a win-win for both, and for society!  

SOJOURNER

Sojourn ( def., to dwell in a place temporarily then to travel on)

People may have asked you when you were younger, “If you had a chance to change your name, what would you change it to?”  A woman who made a mark in American history named Isabella Baumfree (1797-1888) changed her name to Sojourner Truth after being converted to foundational principles of the Christian faith.  In her earlier years she had been bought, sold, and abused as a slave; in later years she became a moral reformer and traveled and settled briefly (sojourned) throughout the Eastern United States articulating her message.  She was named in 2014 as one of the Smithsonian Institution’s “100 Most Significant Americans.”

I had never heard of a person named ‘Sojourner’ before, but I immediately liked the name.  I’ve been called various things in my earlier life (various nicknames, titles, roles) but if somebody called me Sojourner now I would probably be immediately drawn to them because of their insight. We are all sojourners throughout our entire life upon this earth whether we realize it or not.

Several years ago, I explained in one of my weblog postings why I liked many of John Denver’s songs.  One of those songs has a lyric in it that goes,

“Lost and alone on some forgotten highway, traveled by many remembered by few.  Looking for something that I can believe in, looking for something that I’d like to do with my life.”

He goes on to say that,

“Tomorrow is open. . . ” and “There’s a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me, my life is worth the living, I don’t need to see the end.”

I perceive that many are like that. And I would concur strongly with singer/poet John Denver that ‘life is worth the living’ but differ with him in that it does help a lot to ‘see the end.’

Instead of really looking, really exploring, hopefully finding, and finally, someday, settling into a lifestyle that will be richly rewarding, far too many just take what comes along and then continue day-after-day to feel “lost and alone,” because they settled for something less than that which was destined could have been theirs. 

So, where does a person look to overcome their ennui or discomfort with their situation or station in life?  

Know that there is ‘a spirit [to] ‘guide [us] and ‘a light that shines for me’ that can give direction and example.   Open your books (or a public library’s books) and read some biographies of people who made a mark on their world.  In another weblog I commented on one such book that I would highly recommend:  David Brooks’s (2015) The Road to Character.  You will find in it many, perhaps just like you, who were on the road or ‘forgotten highway’ but took the right turn.  (In addition you might read once again Robert Frost’s little poem The Road Not Taken and see what it tells you.) 

But it isn’t just in books that we find direction.  There are living people all around who can be of great help.  And there is a Spirit to guide you.

Once we find our direction and come to sense our destination, however it is revealed to us, or by whom, we need to never again feel that our life is without purpose. 

One final hint:  Find someone or some place to be of service to or in and you will much more likely to find the ‘light that shines for me.’  

SEASONAL MANNERS TUNEUP

As the holiday season approaches many people find they are invited to dinner parties (Thanksgiving meals or Christmas or New Years’ parties) or decide to host dinners themselves.  For young people it is more often the former. That being the case, and since this weblog articulates an ‘old school’ approach to life, I thought it would be well to dredge up a few lessons your mother (hopefully) taught you.

In social settings a few principles should guide our behavior.  If these are in place the specifics that follow might make more sense. 

First point:  In interacting with people of any age, simple courtesies should always be practiced.  If you forget the details just be courteous. Someone said “Politeness is love in trifles.”  Your non-verbal communication in the first 3-5 seconds will establish your relationship.  You should want that to be an “I care about myself, but I care more about you” encounter.  A positive, cheerful radiant attitude will compensate for almost any faux pas (social mistake, pronounced ‘fo-, pa) you might make.  Show concern and sensitivity for others. Be warned, however, if you fail to say ‘thank you,’ ‘please,’ and ‘I’m sorry,’ anything else you might do or fail to do might not make much difference in the long run. 

A few other fundamentals then down to the details:  A small gift (e.g., flowers or candy) to the hostess of a gathering is always in order and appreciated. Smile with your face and your voice.  Use good eye contact.  Especially when there are other distractions you need to stay focused on the one who you are talking with.  Be loud enough to be heard, but use soft gracious tones. Avoid annoying habits such as scratching, picking, poking, slurping, standing too close, etc. Practice good posture.  In conversation do not make belittling comments or be perceived as being contentious or a know-it-all. Don't dominate a conversation.  Immediately following first encounters or special occasions write short ‘thank-you’ notes.

Table manners.

·        Don’t be late.  When the host/hostess signals that the dinner is ready you be ready immediately.  Stop your conversation, listen up, and go to where you are to assemble without delay. 

·        Don’t touch your food or drink until a blessing is asked or the host begins to eat or he/she instructs the guests to begin eating. 

·        Sit straight.

·        Pass food clockwise.  Don’t begin to eat until others get all or most of their food. 

·        Take small portions to begin with.  You can ask for seconds later.

·        Never blow on food or hot liquids. 

·        Don’t ever say anything negative about food.

·        Never push food with your fingers or lick fingers.  Use your napkin and keep it on your lap.  Do not blow your nose in your napkin!

·        Never wipe off silverware.

·        Do not chew ice.

·        Always pass salt and pepper as a pair. Be alert to pass things to others.

·        When taking butter, jellies, etc., place on a plate—not directly on your bread, and then spread on a small piece at a time—not the whole thing. Also, don’t cut a roll; you ‘break’ bread.

·        With soup, slide the spoon away from you and tip the bowl away. Don’t drink from a bowl.  Bring the spoon up to your face, not your face down to the bowl or plate.

·         Cut only a few bite-size pieces at a time and always eat chicken with a fork.

·        Always turn your head away when sneezing or coughing and never blow your nose at the table.

·        Pause to swallow before responding to a question.  Don't ask a question when the person you are asking has just put a bite in his mouth. 

·        Get up from the table on your left side and slide your chair back under.

·        Always thank the hostess and comment favorably about your meal or some portion of it (e.g., "great dessert!")

Introductions.

The principle to remember is to always show deference and respect.  If you are the introducer, after stating the name of the ‘higher ranking person’ – the person being introduced to – say something like, “please meet,” or “I would like to introduce,” or “this is.”  Examples:

• ·        “President Lincoln, I would like to introduce my brother Ken to you.”
• ·        “Susan, this is my friend from college, Bob Smith.” (Always introduce the man to the woman, regardless of age.)
• ·        Pay attention to names. Use their name immediately after being introduced and several times in the ensuing conversation.
• ·        Keep a small card and pencil in your pocket to write down names and brief identifying notes as soon as discreetly possible.  Believe me, it will help. 

·        When being introduced say something like this:

Ø “President Lincoln, it is such an honor to meet you.”

Ø “Susan, I’ve really been looking forward to meeting you.”

Ø “I’ve heard such great things about you.”

Ø “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Smith.”

Happy holidays.  These thoughts may make them a little more relaxed for you.

TURNING POINTS

We’ve all had experience with combination locks.  We know that to unlock the lock we must know the combination and dial each of the numbers in exactly the correct order.  We also must start the process by clearing the combination by turning the dial the right direction to start the process and then turning it forward and backward the right number of turns between numbers.

We need to know a few other things to be able to operate the lock: 

• ·        We must be careful not to have any ‘overruns’ or ‘underruns’ between the numbers or turning points.  Precision is important.
• ·        We cannot speed up the process by skipping numbers or substituting numbers.
• ·        Wishful thinking or being ‘creative’ with the process, or having great desire, alone, will not open the lock.  You have to turn the dial as indicated.
• ·        We must have enough light to see the numbers clearly.
• ·        If you mess up, being sorry, alone, will not get the lock open.
• ·        Force will not help the process along.
• ·        If you make a mistake anywhere along the way you will not be successful just by going on; you must go back and start the process all over again.
• ·        You must not allow the mechanism rust or corrode through lack of use.

Where am I going with this?

In unlocking your potential or unlocking opportunities or getting access to treasures or other things of value to you,  you must follow the principles this lock example represents.  There is a process to finding success to almost anything.  You cannot just hope good things will come your way.   There is an old oriental saying that says “He who waits with his mouth open for a roast duck to fly in is in for a long wait.”  You need to make things happen.

Fortunately, in life, there are instruction books or people who can help if you are not too proud to engage them in your behalf.  There are also examples and people who didn’t quit when they had failures but knew they were on the right track.  Read about Thomas Edison’s 1,600 experiments and failures and be glad he didn’t quit.  Don’t  you quit.  

But don’t overlook a ‘turning point’ either.