SEASONAL MANNERS TUNEUP

As the holiday season approaches many people find they are invited to dinner parties (Thanksgiving meals or Christmas or New Years’ parties) or decide to host dinners themselves.  For young people it is more often the former. That being the case, and since this weblog articulates an ‘old school’ approach to life, I thought it would be well to dredge up a few lessons your mother (hopefully) taught you.

In social settings a few principles should guide our behavior.  If these are in place the specifics that follow might make more sense. 

First point:  In interacting with people of any age, simple courtesies should always be practiced.  If you forget the details just be courteous. Someone said “Politeness is love in trifles.”  Your non-verbal communication in the first 3-5 seconds will establish your relationship.  You should want that to be an “I care about myself, but I care more about you” encounter.  A positive, cheerful radiant attitude will compensate for almost any faux pas (social mistake, pronounced ‘fo-, pa) you might make.  Show concern and sensitivity for others. Be warned, however, if you fail to say ‘thank you,’ ‘please,’ and ‘I’m sorry,’ anything else you might do or fail to do might not make much difference in the long run. 

A few other fundamentals then down to the details:  A small gift (e.g., flowers or candy) to the hostess of a gathering is always in order and appreciated. Smile with your face and your voice.  Use good eye contact.  Especially when there are other distractions you need to stay focused on the one who you are talking with.  Be loud enough to be heard, but use soft gracious tones. Avoid annoying habits such as scratching, picking, poking, slurping, standing too close, etc. Practice good posture.  In conversation do not make belittling comments or be perceived as being contentious or a know-it-all. Don't dominate a conversation.  Immediately following first encounters or special occasions write short ‘thank-you’ notes.

Table manners.

·        Don’t be late.  When the host/hostess signals that the dinner is ready you be ready immediately.  Stop your conversation, listen up, and go to where you are to assemble without delay. 

·        Don’t touch your food or drink until a blessing is asked or the host begins to eat or he/she instructs the guests to begin eating. 

·        Sit straight.

·        Pass food clockwise.  Don’t begin to eat until others get all or most of their food. 

·        Take small portions to begin with.  You can ask for seconds later.

·        Never blow on food or hot liquids. 

·        Don’t ever say anything negative about food.

·        Never push food with your fingers or lick fingers.  Use your napkin and keep it on your lap.  Do not blow your nose in your napkin!

·        Never wipe off silverware.

·        Do not chew ice.

·        Always pass salt and pepper as a pair. Be alert to pass things to others.

·        When taking butter, jellies, etc., place on a plate—not directly on your bread, and then spread on a small piece at a time—not the whole thing. Also, don’t cut a roll; you ‘break’ bread.

·        With soup, slide the spoon away from you and tip the bowl away. Don’t drink from a bowl.  Bring the spoon up to your face, not your face down to the bowl or plate.

·         Cut only a few bite-size pieces at a time and always eat chicken with a fork.

·        Always turn your head away when sneezing or coughing and never blow your nose at the table.

·        Pause to swallow before responding to a question.  Don't ask a question when the person you are asking has just put a bite in his mouth. 

·        Get up from the table on your left side and slide your chair back under.

·        Always thank the hostess and comment favorably about your meal or some portion of it (e.g., "great dessert!")

Introductions.

The principle to remember is to always show deference and respect.  If you are the introducer, after stating the name of the ‘higher ranking person’ – the person being introduced to – say something like, “please meet,” or “I would like to introduce,” or “this is.”  Examples:

• ·        “President Lincoln, I would like to introduce my brother Ken to you.”
• ·        “Susan, this is my friend from college, Bob Smith.” (Always introduce the man to the woman, regardless of age.)
• ·        Pay attention to names. Use their name immediately after being introduced and several times in the ensuing conversation.
• ·        Keep a small card and pencil in your pocket to write down names and brief identifying notes as soon as discreetly possible.  Believe me, it will help. 

·        When being introduced say something like this:

Ø “President Lincoln, it is such an honor to meet you.”

Ø “Susan, I’ve really been looking forward to meeting you.”

Ø “I’ve heard such great things about you.”

Ø “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Smith.”

Happy holidays.  These thoughts may make them a little more relaxed for you.