PRODUCTIVE DIALOGUE

       Every one of us has attempted to talk with someone about something important to us or to them and gotten nowhere.  We have broached a subject or tried to take part in a conversation and have our point-of-view be heard but to no avail. We have been unpersuasive in making our point and, too often, we found the conversation ended with us becoming more frustrated than before the attempt. Not only was the issue unresolved, but sometimes the other party had become defensive or more entrenched in their own point-of-view than they were before the discussion. 

Here are some ideas that might help you to turn things around:  

Before engagement in discussion resolve personally that we are out to solve a problem or look at an issue with wisdom and fairness and not out to unilaterally ‘win’ an argument. You have a point of view and want a fair hearing, and so does the other person.  When we engage in discussion, we must understand that often better solutions are a result of not insisting that our way is the only way. We must be trying to understand each other and the facts that define the issue.  The middle way or the not-entertained third way does not necessarily mean a compromise; it can be a higher way that may have not been seen by either party when emotionality was clouding our/their vision.

Respect and listening must come first. If that is understood, both parties feel safe to contribute and express their viewpoint without attack by the other. Then, hopefully, each person will honestly believe that their input counted and that a synergistic outcome is possible where everybody gains: Stephen Covey famously called it “win-win.”

Look at the information, the data, the evidence, the facts contributed to by all parties of the discussion to the issue at hand.  When engagement begins, that is where you start. Do not try to defend or impose the too-often emotionally driven assumptions, opinions, or independently-arrived-at ‘conclusions’ that unproductive dialogue often starts with. Productive dialogue is not a modern political ‘debate’--may God forbid.  

There are methods of engagement that foster helpful dialogue and conversely behaviors that kill it.

Let’s look at behaviors that close down healthy dialogue.        

         Demeaning comments; sarcastic remarks; name-calling; threats; accusations; blame;         coercing; force; revenge; violence.   

         Avoiding, withdrawal, silent fuming, coldness, passive resistance.

         Playing verbal games to overpower or confuse the other person.

     Creating stories in our mind (subjective conclusions) that paint the other party in a         negative way and then shape our unhelpful self-justifying responses to or judgments         about anything they say to us.

That which produces healthy dialogue is to:

·                   Look at your own motives first.  Am I being honest?  Am I being just?  Am I being          fair, and trying to see it through their eyes? Am I at all at fault?

·                   Identify mutual purpose and shared goals, and then state them and share them and           explore them with the other person.

·                    Maintain mutual respect; if they push back, do something to make the other person           more comfortable; try to calm them with a soft answer but be sincere. This does not        mean you have to back down; it may mean that you have to try another approach.           You can smile and say something like, “I think I see your point (and then restate it in        your own words), but allow me to see if I can my point more clear to you. . . .”

·                  Get all relevant, truthful information out into the open and into a common pool. The        larger the pool, the smarter the decisions the parties will make and the greater the            buy-in.

·                 Stay focused no matter what happens. Stay focused on what you really want—for             yourself, and for your relationship, and for others who could be impacted.                       Make these things your highest priorities. Don’t get derailed or divert from your              objectives by what the other party may throw up at the beginning of the conversation.

·                Clarify what you don’t want to happen—bad feelings, wasted time or money,                 damaged opportunities, etc.  See where this is taking you.

How to speak persuasively and productively:

·        Pray first if you believe in this way of receiving strength or insight.

·        Share your facts; your facts are not an attack.  Facts are things, observations, not assertions, not conclusions. Try to keep personalities out of it to start with.  

·        Tell your story—your point of view, your reasoning path which have led to your tentative conclusions. Make sure you are thinking about and talking about the real issue. Use “I” statements, not “you” statements.

·        Encourage them to tell their story—their point of view. Then listen carefully. Be curious and be courteous. This brings their information into the pool.

·        Use tentative language—“In my opinion,” “It’s starting to look like. . .”

·        Be patient.  Don’t assume you know the others’ motives. Get to the source of their feelings.  Try to get to an area of agreement.  Don’t force a conclusion by using your authority, or age, or position. Use persuasion.  

·        Build upon what you’ve mutually come up with. Do something; come to a plan of action that involves both of you. Write it down.  Make a commitment. You are both accountable for the outcome, but only you are accountable for your commitment to the person and the process.   Keep thinking, and say, “We can work this out.” Be positive and confident and know that you can; then encourage them to believe that ‘we’ can. 

     These ideas have worked for many good communicators. It is my hope they may help you the next time you need to have productive dialogue where in the past you have had only frustration or hard feelings.            

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