ETIQUETTE and peoples' names

Except for in golf, or in concerns about where the silverware is placed on the dining room table when ‘company’ is coming over, few people of generation Y or Millennials (born 1981-1996), and even fewer of generation Z  (born between about 1997-2015 or t.b.d.) know or care much about the concept of etiquette in social settings. Generation X (born 1965-1980) had other things on their mind.

But these behaviors were more-or-less drilled into the baby-boomers (born 1946-1964) and taken for granted by earlier generations in the Western World. [Generational cohort designations are provided by Pew Research Center.] I’m of the overlapping generation between baby-boomers and traditionalists who took it for granted and, lest we forget, had it drilled into us by our teachers and some of our parents and surely our grandmothers.  

I am not too concerned about the complexities of table manners and first-time formal introductions, but I am concerned about the principles of respect and the value of certain traditions that, I am convinced, go far to maintaining our very civilization.  Awareness of conventions of etiquette is a part of any good education.

I use as an example of these concerns respect for persons’ names, positions, gender and age as an important starting point.  Names are important to people. Demonstrating a lack of respect or courtesy is not necessarily a moral failure, but it surely and quickly pegs the person doing so in a negative manner—such as in interviews, introductions, and interactions with older, higher social status or ‘better-off’ people—and  contributes to stereotyping of a category (as I’ve done with the Millennial generation whose education in this regard is wanting). When traditional conventions are maintained, however, the person maintaining them is elevated in the eyes of he or she who is honored.  It is worthwhile knowing these things.

Let me show you how this works:  When being introduced to a person it is good etiquette to call him or her by their formal names: Mr. Robert Jones, or Miss Barbara Wilson (Mr. Jones or Miss Wilson will do). Do not call them by their surname (last name) alone, or by the nickname you may hear their peers call them (e.g., ‘Bobbie’ for Robert or ‘Babs’ for Barbara) or even their given first name, Robert or Barbara, but rather by  their title, Mr., Miss, Mrs., Dr., President, Captain, Elder, Sister, Your Honor, Officer or other honorific or appropriate formal titles.  And then, until told otherwise, or time and circumstance dictate, continue this practice. Later, less formal means of address may be employed, but still using the words, sir or ma’am, or miss does not hurt.   

Though it is common, a younger person should not use the term ‘you guys’ to adults older than you—especially when women are among those addressed; they are not 'guys.'  Rather, you might use the term, ‘you folks;’  and ‘ladies,’ and ‘gentlemen’ is almost always appropriate even when addressing young people or athletes in a group setting.

When in a totally informal setting, one-on-one, especially when invited by the person you wish to address asks you to call them by a certain name then do it.  But even then, when you and this person are in a group retain the more formal address out of respect.

Being sloppy or casual about names or titles is just one symptom of a lessening of respect honoring traditions and courtesy in general.  Sloppy speech, insensitive, insulting and offensive language and dress, and failure to respect customs and culture also contribute to a degrading of civilization.

I would highly recommend the reader to spend a little time with a good college dictionary which likely would contain a reference supplement or index to useful features which addresses issues of political or cultural ‘correctness.’  One that I use with regularity is the Random House Webster’s College Dictionary.

If I were to write a longer essay I would add to it, because we are living in such a super-sensitive, divisive world, information on sexism, race, ethnicity, and national origin, ageism, depersonalization of individuals with disabilities or illnesses, patronizing or demeaning expressions, and avoiding language that excludes or unnecessarily emphasizes differences. 

But even then, you would likely offend someone.  I knew I would on my recent essay on 'Abortion,' but the seriousness of the subject overrode niceties of etiquette. 

Welcome to the 21^st Century.