LESSONS FROM HOME

The older I get the more I acknowledge that people have absorbed from their parents (wittingly or unwittingly and probably more from one parent than the other) lessons that continue to color their lives.  At least so it was from my father to me. For many of the people I know it was their mother.

When I was a boy growing up I just assumed most other fathers were like my dad.  I took him for granted, resented him for some things, thought for a while he knew everything, was proud of him, then embarrassed by him, knew I needed him because I couldn’t maintain myself, and finally, shortly before I got married and moved out of my childhood home, couldn’t wait to leave.  By then I believed I knew as a college student many things dad didn’t know and I wanted to know more that I believed he couldn’t teach me. Besides, at age 19 it was time to go. 

    

Well, there were lessons he taught me that I didn’t know at the time he was teaching me that I now know became a large part of my personality for good. 

Here are some of those things: 

I was taught that “if you don’t find or take time to do it right the first time, when are you going to find time to do it right when you have to do it over? Work at it until you get it right. Work never killed anyone.”  A deliberate, contemplative approach to things that I have to do/should do has helped me not make any serious mistakes in my life;  but I have sometimes procrastinated and failed to do things when they ought to have been done—when I didn’t work like I was taught and time was wasted and I regret that. Dad often paraphrased this quotation by Benjamin Franklin: “Lost time is never found again.”

I was taught that “if you make a promise or commitment to yourself or to others, follow through on your promise. Do it.  Hold up your end of the bargain.  Don’t be a slacker or prove untrustworthy or unreliable.” He disdained these types of people. I don’t disdain them, but I try to never be classified with them.

I was taught to not be a “taker, one who takes but does not give back at least as much as he receives.” As a child, or one who is in need, we often take what is offered through the kindness of others, but do we, now, in turn give back with interest, so to speak, what we can as we gain resources and competencies to do likewise? He taught me self-reliance and he taught me service.  He served.

I was taught to not expect anyone or any agency (such as government or even family or friends) to do for me what I could and should do for myself.  If I did, how could I grow?

He taught me to never take advantage of people, whether because of their color, social or economic status, age, or physical or mental capacity.  I interpreted that to mean live the ‘golden rule’ at all times, in all places, and with all people.

I was taught to go into debt only in the direst of circumstances, and certainly not for anything frivolous.  Save for it and pay cash.  I was taught to stay out of any kind of bondage—whether to creditors, or to bad habits.

He taught me to pay attention, watch carefully, listen first and talk last.

 

Dad never helped me with an algebra problem, or a spelling word, or anything academic, but he did teach with his actions many of life’s most important lessons.

Dad died nearly eight years ago but his lessons remain with me.  I think of him more now than ever. 

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

When I was young we used to ask that question as an informal greeting. We didn’t give the question or receive the answer tendered by our friend much thought.  Now, as we have grown older, if we ask that question not as a greeting, but in sincerity and really try to find out we will find the answer disquieting. America is beginning to look nothing like the America of the recent past.

America is in the throes of a demographic transformation. Huge generational gaps have opened up in our political and social values, our economic well-being, our family structure, our national racial and ethnic identity, our gender norms, our religious life, and our technology use. Our present is marked by the most striking social, racial, and economic shifts the country has seen in a half-century.

Today’s Millennials are well-educated in terms of technical expertise but when they step off the campus whether as a graduate or a dropout many find they are still unemployed, still dependent, unmarried, lacking religious faith, and the American Dream has become, for them, very dim.  They have to settle for becoming underemployed and are finding they are becoming the first generation in American history to have a lower standard of living than their parents; and they are historically illiterate.  Meantime, on the other end of the generational spectrum our researchers say that currently well over 10,000 Baby Boomers are retiring every single day, most of them not as well prepared financially as they’d hoped, and many are now reaping the consequences of poor health practices choices of their younger years. These generational and social changes are contributive in polarizing our people.

People are struggling, and emotional depression is increasing.

Every aspect of our demography is being fundamentally transformed.  Our population is rapidly becoming non-white, and our median age will soon edge above 40—both unprecedented milestones in our nation and in other ‘developed’ nations.  It is not so with the ‘developing’ nations: they are younger and darker and hungrier and want what we have—or had.  

  

My take? We as a people need to get our moral, religious and social values back on track to mend the breech.  We need to restore the foundational pillars that have been yanked out if we hope to get out of free-fall. The government cannot do it for us. 

To address just one of the ‘pillars’: when I went to school in the ‘60’s we talked about a ‘Social Contract.’ This was an age-old compact—parents (must) take care of children and children (should) take care of parents.  Every society and each family has an unspoken covenant between the generations—I care for you when you’re young; you care for me when I’m old.  Support flows toward need.  There needs to be generational fairness—it is not all ‘take’ and no ‘give.’ We have a shared and mutually influenced destiny--or could have--but sometimes we forget that.

Conclusion:  We should more willingly try to get along with and serve one another. Elders should do a better job inculcating traditional historical, cultural, and religious values to our young. 

All generations see the world through a lens shaped by the ups and downs of their own life. Some gain wisdom from their own experiences, but fewer, unfortunately, of those who preceded them.  The young hopefully will appreciate that experience—the experience of their elders—has value and can help bring us back.

Our (my) generation’s last big mission might be to help rebuild the citadel for today’s young by starting to rebuild the pillars. Without that, what will our children’s inheritance really be?  A Greek proverb says that societies become great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they will never sit in.

  

Cultural and social expectations enforced by custom, convention, traditional civic and family values or conscience are cracking.  We need to fill the cracks with the cement of moral virtue.  Identify what those virtues are (and you won’t find them on ‘Dancing with the stars’). Talk with your elders and look in the history books and the world’s great literature if you are serious about restoring this country’s greatness. Answers can be found there.

We all have an obligation to do our part to get things back on track.