IDENTITY and SELF DEFINITION

In making a new acquaintance it is customary in our culture to inquire of a person—or have them ask of you— “How are you?” (do you or they really want to know?), or “Where are you from” (does that really matter to you—or them?), or maybe, “What do you do for a living?” That is how most people identify themselves.  But is that going to make a difference to how you view them or how you want them to view you?  It is less common to ask them (or yourself) questions such as, “Who are you?”, or “What’s important to you?”, or “Why are you here?’ or “What do you value?” or, “Where are you going?” or, in short, “How do you define yourself?”

When we were kids we were asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”  We probably replied that we would like ‘to be’ some occupation—an athlete of some kind, or a ‘star’ in something that brought celebrity or a job that would earn us a lot of money—maybe a singer, or an astronaut, or a doctor. But we really didn’t know what it would take to ‘be’ those occupations.  We didn’t know that it wasn’t even entirely up to us--being in the right place, at the right time, with the right opportunity and the right people there to help us or recognize us, or inspire us.  These things would play a big part in an ‘occupation-defined’ life. In fact we probably didn’t think much beyond what we would ‘be,’ occupation-wise. Somehow it would come, we thought,  but in the meantime all we wanted to do was have fun.

As a child we subconsciously defined ourselves as thinking we would be or could be competent to do whatever it was that we wanted to do and that we would, in fact, do it.  As we got a little bit older, say in our early adolescence, we found that things weren’t that easy.  We had to earn it.  We then sometimes did a 180 degree turn and discouragement set in and we viewed ourselves as worthless because things did not come to us automatically, or we bought into the social mirror (which is almost always distorted) and didn’t really realize that young people rarely look outward but focus on themselves as the center of the universe.  We were victims, we thought.

We were looking at the wrong issue and in the wrong direction.

We thought about what we would be but didn’t think about who we would be. Do we yet? That was the larger question.  How do you look at others, and how do you define yourself? 

I am reminded of the related statement made by Martin Luther King, Jr. who said “I have a dream that my . . . children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character!” 

An intelligent man or woman will always consider character far more important than skin color or physical appearance, or place of origin, or place of residence or size of bank account or, yes, occupation.  And character is developed.

I would suggest you do something really radical: consider your life as a moral drama.  Consider that a quality life is not only to do good or be prosperous but to be good.  Don’t just float along from day-to-day.   If you measure the success of your life at all (which I hope you do)—choose not to measure it against the false standards we so often see and hear around us, but against the principles and values upon which the best societies and cultures and people have been built.  And then choose from this day forward to change, to build your life around the principles, and people, and purposes that set you apart and promote peace, external and internal, and define you as a person of substance.  Be honest.  Be kind.  Be genuine.  Be of service.  Be a friend. Be good.  And remember, passivity is not necessarily good.  Get engaged.

You’ve got it in you—just bring it out and bring it on and then see how you define yourself—your changed self.   You might be amazed!