SEASONAL MANNERS TUNEUP

As the holiday season approaches many people find they are invited to dinner parties (Thanksgiving meals or Christmas or New Years’ parties) or decide to host dinners themselves.  For young people it is more often the former. That being the case, and since this weblog articulates an ‘old school’ approach to life, I thought it would be well to dredge up a few lessons your mother (hopefully) taught you.

In social settings a few principles should guide our behavior.  If these are in place the specifics that follow might make more sense. 

First point:  In interacting with people of any age, simple courtesies should always be practiced.  If you forget the details just be courteous. Someone said “Politeness is love in trifles.”  Your non-verbal communication in the first 3-5 seconds will establish your relationship.  You should want that to be an “I care about myself, but I care more about you” encounter.  A positive, cheerful radiant attitude will compensate for almost any faux pas (social mistake, pronounced ‘fo-, pa) you might make.  Show concern and sensitivity for others. Be warned, however, if you fail to say ‘thank you,’ ‘please,’ and ‘I’m sorry,’ anything else you might do or fail to do might not make much difference in the long run. 

A few other fundamentals then down to the details:  A small gift (e.g., flowers or candy) to the hostess of a gathering is always in order and appreciated. Smile with your face and your voice.  Use good eye contact.  Especially when there are other distractions you need to stay focused on the one who you are talking with.  Be loud enough to be heard, but use soft gracious tones. Avoid annoying habits such as scratching, picking, poking, slurping, standing too close, etc. Practice good posture.  In conversation do not make belittling comments or be perceived as being contentious or a know-it-all. Don't dominate a conversation.  Immediately following first encounters or special occasions write short ‘thank-you’ notes.

Table manners.

·        Don’t be late.  When the host/hostess signals that the dinner is ready you be ready immediately.  Stop your conversation, listen up, and go to where you are to assemble without delay. 

·        Don’t touch your food or drink until a blessing is asked or the host begins to eat or he/she instructs the guests to begin eating. 

·        Sit straight.

·        Pass food clockwise.  Don’t begin to eat until others get all or most of their food. 

·        Take small portions to begin with.  You can ask for seconds later.

·        Never blow on food or hot liquids. 

·        Don’t ever say anything negative about food.

·        Never push food with your fingers or lick fingers.  Use your napkin and keep it on your lap.  Do not blow your nose in your napkin!

·        Never wipe off silverware.

·        Do not chew ice.

·        Always pass salt and pepper as a pair. Be alert to pass things to others.

·        When taking butter, jellies, etc., place on a plate—not directly on your bread, and then spread on a small piece at a time—not the whole thing. Also, don’t cut a roll; you ‘break’ bread.

·        With soup, slide the spoon away from you and tip the bowl away. Don’t drink from a bowl.  Bring the spoon up to your face, not your face down to the bowl or plate.

·         Cut only a few bite-size pieces at a time and always eat chicken with a fork.

·        Always turn your head away when sneezing or coughing and never blow your nose at the table.

·        Pause to swallow before responding to a question.  Don't ask a question when the person you are asking has just put a bite in his mouth. 

·        Get up from the table on your left side and slide your chair back under.

·        Always thank the hostess and comment favorably about your meal or some portion of it (e.g., "great dessert!")

Introductions.

The principle to remember is to always show deference and respect.  If you are the introducer, after stating the name of the ‘higher ranking person’ – the person being introduced to – say something like, “please meet,” or “I would like to introduce,” or “this is.”  Examples:

• ·        “President Lincoln, I would like to introduce my brother Ken to you.”
• ·        “Susan, this is my friend from college, Bob Smith.” (Always introduce the man to the woman, regardless of age.)
• ·        Pay attention to names. Use their name immediately after being introduced and several times in the ensuing conversation.
• ·        Keep a small card and pencil in your pocket to write down names and brief identifying notes as soon as discreetly possible.  Believe me, it will help. 

·        When being introduced say something like this:

Ø “President Lincoln, it is such an honor to meet you.”

Ø “Susan, I’ve really been looking forward to meeting you.”

Ø “I’ve heard such great things about you.”

Ø “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Smith.”

Happy holidays.  These thoughts may make them a little more relaxed for you.

TURNING POINTS

We’ve all had experience with combination locks.  We know that to unlock the lock we must know the combination and dial each of the numbers in exactly the correct order.  We also must start the process by clearing the combination by turning the dial the right direction to start the process and then turning it forward and backward the right number of turns between numbers.

We need to know a few other things to be able to operate the lock: 

• ·        We must be careful not to have any ‘overruns’ or ‘underruns’ between the numbers or turning points.  Precision is important.
• ·        We cannot speed up the process by skipping numbers or substituting numbers.
• ·        Wishful thinking or being ‘creative’ with the process, or having great desire, alone, will not open the lock.  You have to turn the dial as indicated.
• ·        We must have enough light to see the numbers clearly.
• ·        If you mess up, being sorry, alone, will not get the lock open.
• ·        Force will not help the process along.
• ·        If you make a mistake anywhere along the way you will not be successful just by going on; you must go back and start the process all over again.
• ·        You must not allow the mechanism rust or corrode through lack of use.

Where am I going with this?

In unlocking your potential or unlocking opportunities or getting access to treasures or other things of value to you,  you must follow the principles this lock example represents.  There is a process to finding success to almost anything.  You cannot just hope good things will come your way.   There is an old oriental saying that says “He who waits with his mouth open for a roast duck to fly in is in for a long wait.”  You need to make things happen.

Fortunately, in life, there are instruction books or people who can help if you are not too proud to engage them in your behalf.  There are also examples and people who didn’t quit when they had failures but knew they were on the right track.  Read about Thomas Edison’s 1,600 experiments and failures and be glad he didn’t quit.  Don’t  you quit.  

But don’t overlook a ‘turning point’ either.