Unmarried Men

“And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (Genesis 2)

Every Christian young adult man has read or heard that more times than he probably cares to acknowledge. The problem he will one day have to face if he doesn’t resolve the situation is that there will be an accounting; it will be brought to his attention that he has ignored a divine directive, that there were reasons for its issuance, and that there will be serious consequences.

On a sociological level the pre-adulthood phenomenon of delayed marriage represents a momentous demographic event. In a new book published just this month, Manning Up: How the Rise of Women Has Turned Men Into Boys, author Kay S. Hymowitz presents a stinging critique of today's ‘pre-adult’ generation of male 20-30 (and beyond) year-olds. She writes: “Today, most men in their 20’s hang out in a novel sort of limbo, a hybrid state of semi-hormonal adolescence…. But it’s time to state what has become obvious to legions of frustrated young women: It doesn’t bring out the best in men.” “For these women, one key question won’t go away: Where have the good men gone?” “Single men have never been civilization’s most responsible actors; they continue to be more troubled and less successful than men who deliberately choose to become husbands and fathers. So we can be disgusted if some of them continue to live in rooms decorated with “Star Wars” posters….” “Relatively affluent, free of family responsibilities, and entertained by an array of media devoted to his every pleasure, the single young man can live in pig heaven—and often does.”

Forced to a feminism response, reminiscent of the ‘70’s, Hymowitz concludes the essence of her argument with: “Women put up with him for a while, but then in fear and disgust either give up on any idea of a husband and kids or just go to a sperm bank and get the DNA without the troublesome man. But these rational choices on the part of women only serve to legitimize men’s attachment to the sand box. Why should they grow up? No one needs them anyway. There’s nothing they have to do. They might as well just have another beer.”

From my more religious perspective and experience I would have to say that there is more truth to those indictments than we would like to admit. In defense of the young man there are anxieties about education, job, and career and being able to support a wife and family, about being able to purchase a home and even about the prospects of a happy marriage itself, seeing the high incidence of divorce.

But I think too many young men want to get all their ‘ducks in line’ and then find the ‘perfect mate’ before they take the critical steps. Many live in a fantasy world of unrealistically high expectations for women without looking at their own deficiencies. In their own protracted adolescence and timidity and self-centeredness they fail to realize that they, themselves, are not becoming any more attractive to the opposite sex through their age, their critical expectations, their childish lifestyle, their dependence on mom or grandmother, their puerile recreations or their guy roommates. Rather than disqualifying innumerable candidate women because of physical attractiveness or other superficialities (‘She doesn’t fit my needs’) perhaps he needs to take the focus off of himself and start to be what he was put on earth to be: a help meet himself.

Just because young man can’t own a Ferrari doesn’t mean that he should walk or skateboard throughout his life; he could drive a Toyota and be happy. An old short film titled Johnny Lingo drives this point home very well with the metaphor of seeing in a backward girl a ‘five cow wife.’ I used to smile when I heard the 1970’s song by Jimmie Soul: “If you wanna to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife; so for my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you.” Maybe she wouldn’t be ‘ugly’ if he brought out the beauty in her. One can aIso be very happy with a pretty woman—I have had three pretty women as wives—so I guess it’s easy for me to make these suggestions.

Maybe happiness comes from what the young man brings to the marriage at least as much as what the woman brings to him. Hmmm….