On Contention

So that we don’t contend over definitions let us settle on this for a definition: Contention is not discussion, but the opposite; contention puts an end to all discussion, as does war. In reality a declaration of war is an announcement that the discussion is over. Whether the war is declared as a war, or as a ‘conflict’ as the Viet Nam ‘conflict,’ or whether it occurs in such a small ‘killing field’ as in a home between a husband and a wife, the polarization that occurs can be deadly. When two or more people are shouting and nobody is listening they are not having a discussion.

As a variation on the old schoolyard saying, "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me," it has been more truly said that ‘Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can break my heart.’ So true.

Of course, people can and should have ‘discussions,’ but when one of the parties starts laying traps for the other or starts manipulating or preparing his or her strategy without honestly listening to the other person with a willingness to change if the other person has the higher ground, the discussion is ended. Ulterior motives of power and gain become the object, distortions, accusations and lies become the method, and a desire for mutual improvement flies out the window. The ‘discussion’ degenerates into contention, becomes a disagreement then sometimes totally loses focus and becomes a cold or hot war. People begin playing what they call ‘hardball,’ to maintain their position or gain advantage.

When more people become involved it degenerates into a dispute where people take sides and form ‘factions,’ antecedents to political parties, a dreadful outcome that our Founding Fathers feared and hoped, unsuccessfully, to prevent. In our day statesmanship has lost the discussion or civil debate to incivility, and politics has too often become an abomination.

I would go so far as to say that in our time our very culture, our institutions, our legal system of litigation, our television ‘talk’ shows, even much of our entertainment in form, content and intent has become contentious. When this is not checked or goes on too long, amity, brotherhood, goodwill, and love of mankind goes up in smoke. Indeed, the love of many ‘waxes cold’ and, alas, we become strangers to each other in a common land.