UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

Note:  This was written to a group of young single men who I work with and with whom I am fond. I suppose, with adjustments, it could apply to young women or even with marrieds as they reevaluate their relationships, as always they must.
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I’m going to generalize here, fully recognizing that every woman in the world is different from every other one but there are some commonalities among the opposite sex that you must recognize if you are to understand them and interact successfully with them. 

 First of all men must realize from the ‘get-go’ that women are psychologically different from themselves.   The title one author gave to his book was ‘Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus.’  Women look at things differently. They see things differently. Different things interest them; different things hurt them.  They generally put more value on some things than most men do, and less on other things.  They are ‘wired’ differently; they have different brain chemistry and different hormonal balances.

To understand women you must respect their differences as you must also appreciate their differences.  (I know you already appreciate their delightful differences but that is only superficial.) Here is how they are really different:

·        If you want to be successful with a woman you must, must, must learn to communicate with her.  That means listening to her—really listening.  Listening involves more than just the ears. That means you look at her, at her eyes; you don’t interrupt her; you pay attention and really try to understand  what she is saying or not saying but meaning and expecting that you pick up on.  Only this way can you pick up on what she is feeling; because knowing and honoring what she is feeling is critical.  Women are more emotionally driven than men.  You must provide feedback to show that you are really hearing what she is saying.

·        Being more emotionally driven doesn’t mean that women are less intelligent. They as a gender are just intelligent but often in different ways.  Neuroscientists sometimes identify their intelligence as more centered in the right hemisphere of the cerebral cortex of the brain (the creative side) and the male in the left hemisphere (or analytical side).  One way you could look at it is that each gender is to some extent ‘half brained’ and for  either male or female to be a whole person they must come together with each complementing the other to help with their deficiencies.   The Bible teaches that, “It is not good that man (or woman) should be alone.”  And neither does a normal man want to be alone.  And neither does a normal woman want to be alone;  but many, especially educated women, would rather be alone than with a dolt of a man.

So, to get down to it, here are a few things I suggest:

1.     Women process things verbally.  Talking comes first. Women bond with other women (or men) by sharing ‘feelings.’  When with her, respectfully listen and empathetically respond to her thoughts and feelings first. Smile, nod, develop and use non-verbal skills. Show that you understand her and appreciate her (if you do); but if you don’t, then ask for more detail.  No matter what, do respect her and do not criticize her. Then share things about yourself—your feelings and your values as well.  As you share your feelings and values and goals with her she gets to know you much better than just sharing what you do, did, know, have, or want.  Remember, though, don’t focus or spend too much time on yourself. The focus is on her, not you. 

2.     Know that ‘little things’ mean a lot to a woman.  I’m talking about small acts of kindness or courtesies, or remembrances, cards or inexpensive gifts. Surprise her.  Do more than you are asked to do.  Wash her car, hang a picture for her, do something that helps her.  But don’t let a dependency relationship develop either for you or for her on you until you are truly committed to her and she to you.  Even then, it is not healthy to be ‘dependent,’ but rather in time learn to be ‘inter-dependent’, complementary—but that comes later, in marriage.  Backing up, after you’ve had a date, when you are home alone, write down things she said, likes, hopes for, values, and did.  Then, if you are pursuing things with her, bring them up in later conversations.

3.     When trying for a date, plan things in advance.  When you do call, ask her to do something specific with you—a sporting event, an art show, a concert, a dog show, on a hike, to go to church, to look at a car you are interested in, working on a project together, serving in the community, etc.  Just ‘hanging out,’ especially if it turns into a group thing doesn’t count for much in advancing a relationship.

4.     If you are rejected but still interested try again.  Give her space and give her time.  Always respect her boundaries.

5.     Don’t come across as needy—or dependent.  Weakness is not attractive in a man.  You are not looking for another mother for yourself. 

6.     When you come to the point where you are considering marriage to a woman who you have gotten to know very well, and who you could commit your life to with honor and without reservation, know that when it comes to predicting happiness in a marriage, you want to find somebody who is as similar to you as possible on the things that matter most. 

7.      Gentlemanly behavior comes across much better than a ‘macho man’ or a braggart or an aggressive type.  Be pleasant, not crude.  Develop a smile.

8.     Be clean and well-groomed.  Be your best self: be interesting.  If you are not interesting, start learning something that sets you apart somehow. 

Always look for things you can compliment her on.  Look for the good. Don’t ever leave her without complimenting her on something.