AN EARLY FATHER'S DAY TRIBUTE

I am getting this posting off at the last moment, the 31^st day of March, because I have had a nagging feeling that I needed to put down what someone, who reads these things, needs to hear. I also put them down because I need to say them.  And I do it because I’ve been thinking about my father who died eight years ago. Dad was a mechanic—a man who fixed things.

My dad and I were never particularly close; he was pragmatic and I had, he said, my ‘head in the clouds’.  I was in awe of his tenacious ability to figure out mechanical things.  I resented his disrespect of education, or better, of 'educated' people and 'book knowledge', but I respected him and I knew that he always had my welfare in mind, and most importantly I knew that he loved my mother.  That may be the most important thing a father can do for his children-- love their mother.

That which follows are positive things that others have learned from their fathers that I connect with and remind me of my dad because he said similar things:

·        If you can’t find time to do it right the first time, how are you going to find time to do it over again? (Dad said this often.)

·        Do what you have to do first, and what you want to do second.

·        Get to know and show respect for clerks and secretaries; they are the gatekeepers. 

·        Don’t let other people’s actions govern yours.

·        If you ever get taken to jail, don’t waste your one phone call calling home.

·        Don’t brag; it’s not the whistle that pulls the train. 

·        Never replace just one spark plug.

·        Drive with care.  Life has no spare. 

·        If you work with your hands you will never go hungry. 

·        Practice hard.  You’ll play the way you practiced.

·        A clear conscience is a soft pillow.

·        If you got something you didn’t work for, then someone else worked for something they didn’t get. 

·        You’d be amazed what you can do when you have to.  

Thanks, Dad(s)

GRADATIONS in JUDGMENT

The concept of gradations in judgment is so ubiquitous in our life experience that we have maybe never given it much thought—or maybe it is all we think about.  A few examples:  as a student in school we may have been obsessed (or not) with our grades, A, B, C, D, or F; or in the choosing players for a team or being accepted for a university whether or not we made the ‘cut’;  if we were on diving or gymnastics or dance team our score on a scale of 1-10 the judges gave us on our performance; as an engineer or designer or technician whether our product was within ‘tolerances’ or specifications; or if we were still under our mother’s supervision whether our bedroom was ‘clean.’ 

The fact is, we are constantly being judged for good or for ill based on standards. Usually people other than ourselves set the standards and make the judgments (chances are, your mother’s standard of a clean room is of a higher standard than yours). We need to know the standards—the rules, the expectations.  We need to know what rewards us, what is ‘good enough,’ and what disqualifies us.

Standards of judgment are not just hurdles or obstacles we must overcome; they are guidelines of what we need to do to be acceptable, safe, or successful. View them as such; balking against them or disregarding them often just retards our progress.

What often confuses us, though, is that things that are presented to us are not always black or white. They may be near-black, or near-white or any degree of gradation that blurs our vision or compromises our performance or character. They could be, God-forbid, Fifty Shades of Grey (which I did not read or see), or the Sirens in Homer’s The Odyssey that the sojourners were warned not to hear.  They may be sounds that are soft or loud, or somewhere on the decibel scale that we cannot detect or that may damage our eardrums. They could be speeds that expedite our arrival at our desired destinations or they could put us out-of-control and kill us or others. They may be quality of goods such as a Rolex watch or Mercedes Benz automobile that could give us fine service, or they may be a Yugo—junk—or somewhere in between. In most of our lives we settle for something in between. 

So how do we judge and what do we settle for? 

I would suggest that we seek out the best as our standard and draw a line in the sand beneath or behind which we will not go.  For example, we will not go to a bar or a terrorist recruiting rally to find a virtuous potential mate.  We will not hang out whiling-away our hours in a smoke-filled pool hall if we hope to prepare ourselves to take the LSAT or MCAT.  We will not feed with the chickens if we hope to fly with the eagles.

We will establish or embrace a scale that has parameters or guidelines for judgment and we will stay between those lines—always leaning toward the upward end of the continuum. We identify our values, cull out those things, people, and products or activities that don’t measure up to minimum standards, and we let our educated conscience be our guide. I put the stress on ‘educated.’ It becomes ‘educated’ by reading out of the best books, seeking out the best people, and not blunting our God-given conscience by disregarding its promptings.

  And this is key: We will make up our minds ahead of time and remember our rules and standards of judgment every day before we step out into the arena of our world.   

A BOY'S LIFE (a little biography)

At the outset I must say that I wouldn’t trade my life with anyone.  It has been a happy life.  Secondly, I acknowledge that I have had models—even  heroes and that their influence has been enormous.  Many of these models and heroes were recognized at a young age and many vicariously came to my attention through reading. Thirdly, I considered myself then and even now to be a very average person in terms of my natural endowments, but I have accomplished some things that continue to amaze me. They may not be as amazing or funny as the life of author Bill Bryson who lived in the same era as me (Bryson wrote about his life in The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid) but there are some parallels with his boyhood in my boyhood and probably in nearly every boys’ life if they grew up in the United States ‘50’s . My life, to the contrary of some old Pennsylvania(where I was born) adages, belies the notion that ‘you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.’ I have been made into something, thanks to answers to my prayers and being around the right people and staying away from the wrong people. For what it’s worth, I should mention that I was an early 'Baby Boomer,' at the end of ‘the Greatest Generation,' living the life of a middle-class white Christian youth in a suburban neighborhood. 

So I begin with my boyhood.  Pertaining to the title, yes, I used to read Boy’s Life. It, along with Outdoor Life, and Sport magazine, and the Scout Handbook were staples of my reading from about age 10-13.  I also liked the early editions of Mad magazine and other comic books featuring Superman and the like.  Of course I also read many adventure and outdoor books and daily read the sports page and funny page of our local newspaper.  And I read and wore out my King James Bible, given to all the young people of the church I attended by the pastor of a protestant church in my hometown.  In this I was following the example of an early hero, Abraham Lincoln.  As a young boy I loved to play outdoors since my trailer home didn’t have much of an indoors. My more organized life seemed to begin around age 10 with Cub Scouts and fireworks (sounds strange, I know) and attending a concert by the U.S. Air Force band which stimulated my desire to participate in a band in the horn section. 

 But I get ahead of myself. 

I had an ancestry of German and Italian parentage, a ‘back East’ infancy, and an ‘out West’ childhood and a home for the first eight years of my life in a 28’ house trailer without a bathroom, a refrigerator, a television or an air conditioner. We did have a little a.m. radio. My personal possessions were a baseball and glove and bat, marbles, yo-yo’s, some model planes and cars, and stuff I could find or trade for. I also had two younger brothers and a dog.

My sentient life began from about age 11 when I entered junior high school and centered around baseball and baseball practice, and baseball cards; golf and golf practice and junior golf tournaments; and my friends who were all, like me,  budding athletes. We all loved to practice our sports. 

My love of the outdoors continued and I always looked forward to hunting and fishing trips with my dad.  I took many solitary hikes in hills with my dog, my sling shot or my dad’s .22 rifle and with my friends from Boy Scouts.  I killed a few birds which I later rued.  Discovery of girls and dancing with them at school dances, which was nice, arrived in junior high as did popular literature of Hemmingway and Steinbeck which supplanted boys’ outdoor adventure novels.  In school I liked physical education (somehow I was always chosen one of the first on teams except in basketball), science classes, English, history and band.  I always liked and did well in spelling, and even math until I hit high school.  My grades were above average but not great; my focus, as you can tell was elsewhere. I had chores at home like all boys—feeding and caring for my dog, raking the millions of oak leaves that fell from our trees, mowing the lawn, and drying the dishes. My life was full. 

  

In high school my activities and social life centered on attending dances, spectating at basketball games, working at a local golf course, saving money for a sports car (I did finally get a used Triumph in my senior year), enjoying cars in general, and being ‘cool’ in my Levis 501 shrink-to-fit jeans, Converse ‘Chuck Taylor’ low-top tennis shoes, and hair with the proper amount of pomade.  I remember enjoying playing the trombone—pep band, marching band, and orchestra; riding my Schwinn one-speed bicycle, Boy Scouts, caddying, making model airplanes and cars, and, yes, blowing up things with firecrackers. 

 

My friends were all boys except for my girlfriend, Karen, who lived in a nearby town and who for many weeks I saw only at church—where our respective mothers took us  every week.  She was my only steady girlfriend from age 13 through all my high school years, even though she moved with her family (her dad was an Army officer) to Germany for three years. We corresponded by letter.

    

While my girlfriend was out-of-country I started reading more serious literature: philosophy, politics, and deeper religious writings.  I became even stronger in my Christian discipleship but not so strong in the congregation of my youth.  I sensed that there were better answers than I was getting from the Presbyterian approach to the Bible and sought diligently for answers in the doctrines of other churches. I knew, though, that I was getting closer and that Christ’s true church had to be out there.  But still, with these more serious intellectual and spiritual endeavors, I did not abandon my interest in professional football and baseball (we had a little 19” black and white T.V by now) and playing junior tournament golf and participating fully in my school’s music program. My girlfriend finally returned in my senior year.

 

 It was then I started to put boyhood behind me.  I began to seriously think of a career and began to buckle down in my studies.  A military career, or one in forestry, or even professional golf were briefly on my ‘screen.’ I also thought briefly about orthopedics but knew my mathematics preparation was not good enough to pursue medicine. But as a 17- year-old student in junior college, as it was called in those days,  I had good teachers and interesting classes in anatomy and physiology and kinesiology and started to think about a possible career in coaching sports or teaching physical education or biology. With my girlfriend’s encouragement I committed.

Following my graduation from j.c. and the moving out of my parents’ home I was more than ready to transition from a good boy’s life (take that either way) to that of a married ‘man.’  I was also ready, with my bride, to seriously look for answers to my quest for a more substantial religious life.  My ‘boy’s life was over as a happily married life began at the young age of 19 ½. 

BOOKS and a BOOK

I don’t remember having a book in our home as a boy until I was about seven or eight years old (although we probably did).  But then I had a teacher in my elementary school—was it Mrs. Collins in the 4^th grade or Mrs. Phelen in the 5^th?—who read to us in class and the world opened up to me. 

I soon had a library card and I used it. . .and used it. . . and used it. Not long after that, my Mom or Dad must have had some regrets about my education and attempted to rectify the situation by buying for my brothers and me a brand new set of the Encyclopaedia Britannica.  The set of scholarly volumes was for people above my age and overwhelmed me and regretfully I hardly used it—even when I grew to be able to.  But there were other books. . . .

When someone tells me they are ‘not a reader,’ I tell them they just haven’t yet found the right book. Ask a librarian and people who are readers for book lists and recommendations and your life, too, will expand.

Since then I have read literally hundreds and hundreds of books on my own as well as probably hundreds of others in part in pursuing my formal education. I have enjoyed many authors, been challenged and well-educated by many others, and read some titles many more times than once.  In short, my life has been greatly enriched by those who knew much more than me, and had the wisdom to put down in print their learning for others.

Yesterday I finished reading a book that opened my eyes to a reality around all of us that I had frankly given less thought than I should have.  It is the true story about a homeless man living in the Skid Row of downtown Los Angeles.  I knew that many (probably most) homeless people were on the streets because of really poor choices in getting involved with drugs and alcohol.  Some, though, have had brain trauma or neurochemical imbalances, like Nathaniel Anthony Ayers, who is there because of mental illness over which he has no control. 

Mr. Ayers had been a brilliant and very talented music student at the Julliard School of Music in New York City but while there suffered a mental breakdown diagnosed as schizophrenia.  His life took a quick turn downward. This is a condition characterized by a loss of control of thought processes and inappropriate emotional responses.  Such people are often confused, disoriented, and their mind is cluttered with images, delusions, and thoughts over which they have no control.

The book (and movie which I did not see) about Nathaniel Ayers describes the profound challenges of a person so afflicted, and the homeless—and hopeless—environment to which so many are reduced.  Ayers, like many, never did fully recover, but his life and many others like him have been made easier by the efforts of many good people and organizations. 

If you read this book, The Soloist, by journalist Steve Lopez, you will likely be a changed person unless you, yourself have spent some time on the streets and already know the plight of the homeless.  It is a frank and brutal book—shocking in places--and should increase your understanding and compassion for people who are our community neighbors whom we often simply ignore.  It will show you what you can do about mental health problems and similar problems and what you cannot do.  Many people so afflicted you cannot help, but you will have tried and view the problem differently.  And in the trying you will see that you are a changed person for the better.  

THRIVING vs. ENDURING

An alumnus at my university, Professor Stacy Taniguchi, has made a name and an intentional [yes, this is the correct word], self-actualized life for himself by a process of selecting 100 goals that he felt he would like to accomplish in this life.  He did not just want to ‘endure,’ but to thrive. Many of Dr. Taniguchi’s goals resonated with me because many of his values resonated with me.  One’s goals cannot be discordant with his values if he or she hope to achieve them and have them be meaningful. 

Knowing your governing values and the principles that guide your choices—knowing yourself, who you are and what you stand for—is  critical to living an intentional, fulfilling life.  This approach is not a new idea: Socrates and Plato—“know thyself,” Lao Tzu and Shakespeare, “to thine own self be true,” and Jesus in bringing His “more abundant life” to those willing to receive it, all taught this idea as did many other lesser luminaries who preached this doctrine and related dicta.

  

But back to Taniguchi. . . .   He said that what he came up with over a period of twenty plus years is not a ‘bucket list’ (what you want to see, do, or visit before you ‘kick the bucket’); this is a list you use to plan to live.  These are thought-out meaningful experiences you want to accomplish or that help you to achieve your potential or identify who you really are—to get to what philosopher Immanuel Kant called your “sublime nature.”  These achieved or seriously attempted goals require a risk to be taken that will “peel back all the layers you’ve covered yourself with—your job title, your degrees, the car you drive,” your awards, your material accumulations, the masks you wear—everything— to get to your core, your authentic self.

Stacy Taniguchi teaches his course in this approach to living to help his students define success.  A value of his own (he does not try to direct anyone to try his as a one-size-fits-all goals or values list) is what the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche called the “eternal recurrence of the same”—the idea that one should live one’s life in the manner that he or she would be willing to relive the same life over and over again, no changes—hopefully no regrets. 

For purposes of illustration, a few of his other personal goals that he felt would contribute to a meaningful life were/are to be happily married, to become a good father, climbing Mounts Everest and Denali, earning a doctorate, coaching a national team, scuba diving at the Great Barrier Reef, building a house, finding God, and 90 others.

As you can see, if you were to try to adopt this approach to living you would have to give serious thought to your list; you couldn’t knock it off in one sitting—it was not meant to do that. It might take years, as it took him and many goals are never ‘finished,’ but rather continue to develop and perfect the seeker.   

In order to undertake such an approach to life as he has, Dr. Taniguchi identifies the following rules to guide any so persuaded by his example:

100 Goals List Rules

Decide to Thrive. “It is a choice,” says Taniguchi. “You have to decide whether you want to endure or thrive in this life, and if you want to thrive, then you have got to prioritize it.”

Know Your Governing Values. “What I don’t want you to put down on your list is, ‘I want to try everything,’” says Taniguchi. “Put things on your list that bring you closer to your values.” Equally important: “Don’t put anything on your list that is in conflict with your values.”

Choose Wisely. It’s not easy to come up with 100 goals—it took Taniguchi years. “Usually people stall out around 20 or 30,” he says. “Then it gets harder to think through.” A question he often gets: Can the list be retrospective? “Absolutely.” Meaningful things you’ve already accomplished—add them.

You Can’t Take Anything Off. “If it was important to you at one point, then it meant something to you,” he says. He tells the story of a client he led up Denali who, diagnosed with terminal cancer months before the trip, about cancelled. Taniguchi got him to the top. “It didn’t prevent him from dying, but it changed his life.” The guy came home from Denali, got re-engaged and married, finished his last cases at work—he went out living. “Even if, 20 years from now, you look back and go, ‘I don’t know if I really want to do that one thing on my list anymore,’ it may be the one experience that was what Denali was for him.”

Better Yourself, Uplift Others. With each accomplishment you want to add, Taniguchi says you should ask two questions: “Will this make me a better person?” and “Will this help me uplift and have a positive effect on others?” “If you take the time to better yourself, to challenge yourself, you are going to be a better instrument in [God’s] hands.”

Take Some Risks. Add things that will stretch you, make you feel a touch awkward, whether it’s feeling like a stranger in a foreign land or trying to learn something new or tackling a fear. Those vulnerable moments will give you glimpses of your sublime nature, says Taniguchi.

It is often said, ‘Good luck!’  I would say, as did this master, ‘Good Life!’

THE CHOICE OF ABORTION

Ask yourself—whether you are a pregnant woman or the man who got her pregnant or someone who could influence an elected ‘lawmaker’—this question: What is a more important ‘human right’ than the right to live? If you sincerely believe life is a right, understand that there is a corresponding ‘wrong’ to take life. Since you are privileged to yet be alive you can consider the question—right or wrong as pertaining to the choice to abort.

Who is more deserving—has a right to live—a baby (whether birthed or yet-to-be-born who has done nothing to harm or take from society) or one who consents to kill, or pays to have killed (or takes ‘welfare services’ to kill) so their own life is not ‘inconvenienced’? We are not talking here about ‘a woman’s own body,’ we are talking about another body, another human body, a smaller utterly defenseless human body, temporarily housed in the body of someone who almost always has made some irresponsible, not-thought-out-ahead-of-time, decisions, but who could yet make the most important decision of her life. Most women who choose to abort remain quite alive; the destroyed baby, by definition does not--the baby had no choice.   

Because a baby does not yet have ‘social utility’ does he or she (this child of God is not an ‘it’) not have an inalienable right to have a life and a voice through an advocate and the protection of a humane society?

Is there one consenter to or demander of abortion in this world willing to give up her own life in favor of allowing a new, intrinsically more worthy human being to have a chance for a life? NO!  Is there one shrill demonstrating demander who is not glad that she, herself, is alive and was not aborted?  NO! She clearly believes her life is more important. But would she consider this thought before she (either the pregnant woman or her abortion supporter) becomes a living accessory-to-the-fact of a murder?

If this pregnant desiring-t0-be aborted woman needs ‘counseling’ (and she does) before this irreversible act is done here is some free counsel from the other side and may it be heard:  Give birth, give life; give another woman who cannot have a baby, who earnestly desires to have a baby, a chance for adoption of the pregnant woman’s unwanted ‘burden,’ ‘mistake,’ or ‘inconvenience’ to love, nurture, and rear. The adoptive mother will even pay for what so many others dismissively call an ‘it.’ 

Talk about a win-win! The baby will live; a woman who can't have a child will get the privilege to rear one; the woman who thought of having the abortion will be free of a life-time of guilt and regret; and society will take a step back from the brink of destruction by not abetting, encouraging, or countenancing this crime against humanity. 

Please reconsider the gravity and scope of this most important choice!

CHOICES

"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." (J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets)

I propose at the outset of this little essay that our freedom to make ‘choices’ may be among the most fundamental purposes of life. 

The problem for most of us is that we get so entrenched in the routines we have established or we feel have been forced upon us that we too often forget or maybe never have learned that we really are free to choose what we may be.  And if you hear this assertion by people like me you don’t believe it.

Granted, we may be circumvented in the short run (by money or health or opportunity, etc.) but the potential and positive destiny that will bring us the greatest joy and good is limited or achieved by the choices we make and the actions we take within the circumstances we have been given.  (If you’ve been given lemons, make lemonade; if you’ve been given $10 you could spend it on a 900 calorie Big Mac and fries or you could buy a banana and an apple and have a drink of tap water and be on the way to losing a pound of fat and have $8 to deposit in the bank. )

I suspect that, sadly, more likely than thinking of the ‘choices’ we could make with what we do with the time we have before us as we begin a new day we immediately fall into the rut we have previously established.  Especially is that true when we pick up the morning newspaper or turn on some electronic device (television, phone, iPad) and read or see what someone else wants us to see, hear, or read. We start off our day by pushing a button on some device that subtly manipulates us instead of taking control of our day by prayer or reading or making a list of what we will do in the next sixteen or so hours that lies ahead of us.

 Freedom to choose is not a principle in a vacuum; every new day gives us freedom to choose among alternatives.  Consider some possible options:

·        We could choose to use the few minutes we have after awaking to learn something new or to be inspired by something.  We could have something right by the bed to read that we may later ponder, or discuss with our colleagues some time during the day.  We may have an ongoing project nearby that we could give 10-15 minutes to before we move on to the rest of the day. We could work on a new skill, learn a language, practice the piano,or your putting stroke or learn a song, etc., etc., etc.  

·        For breakfast we could choose to eat something that may be better for us than what we usually eat.  We could choose to throw out the stuff that we know is bad for us and that will tempt us if we leave it laying around. 

·        We could choose to spend a few minutes doing a couple of sets of some exercise or do some focused stretching.  You don’t need a gym for this. 

·        We could choose to spend less time in the shower.

·        We could write a brief thank-you note or get-well note to someone.

·        We could take three or four minutes to plan out our day.

And each of the half-dozen points we listed above are just a few suggestions we might consider before we even get started with the formalities of our day.  

Continue this approach to the use of your travel time, or work-break time, or lunch time.

How many of us are just “sittin’ on the dock of the bay—wasting time”?

We really do have more options available than we realize!