GIVING AND RECEIVING

I remember my mother, or mother-in-law, or someone saying caustically, “I’d like to give him a piece of my mind!”  I knew what she meant by the way she said it, as you probably did when you heard it.  I have often thought, since, that I too would like to give another person “. . .a piece of my mind,” –but in an entirely different sense.  I have tried to do that over the past few years by giving to my readers my thoughts—a piece of my mind—in these postings.

For that reason, as far as I can tell, I have had for years a difficult time during the Christmas season because of the cultural norm of giving material gifts which clashes with my desire to give decidedly immaterial gifts.  A gift should reflect something that pleases both the giver and the receiver—and it doesn’t have to come in a box.

 

I suppose it started when I read one of my intellectual icons, Ralph Waldo Emerson, who wrote an essay titled “Gifts.”   He said,

“Next to things of necessity, the rule for a gift. . . is that we might convey to some person that which properly belonged to his character, and was easily associated with him in thought.  But our tokens of compliment and love are for the most part barbarous.  Rings and other jewels are not gifts, but apologies for gifts.  The only gift is a portion of thyself.  Thou must bleed for me.  Therefore the poet brings his poem; the shepherd, his lamb; the farmer, corn, . . . the painter, his picture; the girl, a handkerchief of her own sewing.  This is right and pleasing . . . . But it is a cold, lifeless business when you go to the shops to buy me something, which does not represent your life and talent, but a goldsmith’s.” 

The incident at the gate of the temple with the apostles Peter and John interacting with the beggar illustrates this well.  The lame man asked an alms of the apostles.  Their response was exactly what was most appropriate to the situation.  Find out what that was by reading from the Bible,  Acts 3:1-8.  And he, the receiver of the gift, was likewise appropriate in his response.

John Steinbeck, a famous author who left a legacy in where I live, wrote of a friend of his (and a friend of many others) who, despite this man’s many eccentricities and moral failings knew how to give the gift of himself.  Steinbeck wrote:

 “Ed’s gift for receiving made him a great teacher [and friend].  In conversation you found yourself telling him things—thoughts, conjectures, hypotheses—and you found a pleased surprise at yourself for having arrived at something you were not aware that you could think or know.  It gave you such a good sense of participation with him that you could present him with this wonder.  Then Ed would say, “Yes, that’s so.  That’s the way it might be and besides—” and he would illuminate it but not so that he took it away from you.  He simply accepted it.”  Then, “When you had something from him it was not something that was his that he tore away from himself.  When you had a thought from him or a piece of music. . . or a steak dinner, it was not his—it was yours already, and his was only the head and hand that steadied it in position toward you.  For this reason no one was ever cut off from him.  Association with him was deep participation. . . .” 

So, if you don’t get a gift (a material gift) from me don’t think too ill of me, and I won’t of you because I am simply on a different wavelength from the norm—if you didn’t already know!  You have received my gift.  Merry (better yet a sacred) Christmas to you!

SEXUAL MISCONDUCT

It goes by many names: misconduct; harassment; victimization; assault; abuse; boys being ‘fresh’; ‘boys being boys’; boys being jerks; etc.

These are euphemisms, what the dictionary calls the substitution of a mild or indirect expression for one unpleasant or offensive.  To get right down to it, it is rape.  Rape cannot be just of a woman’s body, it can also be of her spirit or her identity.  It is terribly wrong. 

When I think of young women being raped or enslaved in sex trafficking I think of Elizabeth Smart who was abducted in 2002 and raped every day for 9 months straight by an evil man named Brian David Mitchell before finally being rescued.  I was glad to see that her abductor was given two life sentences in the penitentiary. I would have given him some 'cruel and unusual punishment' as well if it was in my power to do so--as it is in a few countries.  Worldwide girls who are abducted for sex slaves are, in reality, being raped many times a day before being completely ruined or killed by their 'handlers.'  

I applaud women who have suffered probably less traumatic abuse for finally coming forth and identifying the men who have so damaged their lives. These men need help and to be brought to justice when they have gone over the line.

  

It seems that men who perceive they have some kind of power over women are the kind of men who do these things.  They seem to think that their celebrity or position entitles them to take advantage of a physically or emotionally vulnerable or some perceived weaker human being—women usually, sometimes children.  I am appalled by these men—they are a disgrace to the male gender.

   

As for the women, they too can be faulted for misconduct if they in any way encourage a man’s inappropriate advances.  They must know that men are easily encouraged. Encouragement, of course, does not give license, but it sends a signal that many men of whatever age interpret as ‘go.’ I think many women underestimate an undisciplined (by honor, or religion, or recognition of a girl’s or woman’s personal rights) man’s attraction to the female body.

 

Far too many women, today, do this by their revealing dress.  You see it everywhere.  Look at women on talk show television; there it is really a leg show.  Women in everyday dress now reveal their breasts to a degree women even 25 years ago would rarely have done.  And, of course, now ‘augmentation’ (surely for male visual consumption) is commonplace.  Women on television dance shows or ‘talent’ shows usually dress and often act very immodestly. Even for athletic events such as beach volleyball or track and field sprint races or gymnastics or even golf women dress in ways that are not at all necessary for good athletic performance.  ‘Fitness clothing’ at gyms is often quite immodest.  Most of today’s prom dresses are likewise an invitation for young men to make an advance.

I think women must ask themselves why they are doing these things before presenting themselves in an alluring way before men and then getting nervous or not knowing what to do when men respond.  Add to this flirtatious behavior and the fire is stoked for men.  They take it as an invitation.  Or, they just take it.

 

But back to men’s egregious behavior.  Probably in all ages of mankind has the male taken the aggressive behavior when it comes to sex.  Women must understand this and if they do not want to be taken advantage of must take protective steps.  They must have a worked-out strategy if things start to get out of hand.  They must not play with fire, regardless of who has ignited it.  

Some of those steps a woman can take are obvious: modest dress and clean language; always being in the company of trusted friends and never finding themselves alone in a car or a room or secluded place with men who they do not know very well; being in well-lighted places with others they trust; not becoming under the influence of alcohol or drugs themselves or being around others who are; not engaging in ‘entertainment’ --live or vicarious -- where others are behaving improperly such as parties, concerts, movies, videos, electronic entertainment including suggestive music, and any books or magazines with pornographic content.

The best thing men can do is to not engage in anything that stimulates them to focus or fantasize on women in an inappropriate way.  They must develop and then quickly activate activities that cool them down.  They must also develop a general attitude of respect for women and avoid being around women who they cannot respect or who stimulate them not to respect themselves. 

I have always believed in a chivalrous code to guide a man’s behavior in relation to women.  If a man cannot attract or win a woman’s friendship or love by decent behavior he should be rejected by the women he finds himself in the presence of and they should give him no ‘privilege’ of any kind.  This includes in the workplace, in school, and in family relations (especially in some cultures the extended family). 

It can be done.  Passions can be bridled just as a horse can be bridled.  And a man can gain great power over himself in that way—power that can be used in great ways that benefit himself and others.  And good women are drawn to that kind of power—that kind of man.  In that case it’s a win-win for both, and for society!  

SOJOURNER

Sojourn ( def., to dwell in a place temporarily then to travel on)

People may have asked you when you were younger, “If you had a chance to change your name, what would you change it to?”  A woman who made a mark in American history named Isabella Baumfree (1797-1888) changed her name to Sojourner Truth after being converted to foundational principles of the Christian faith.  In her earlier years she had been bought, sold, and abused as a slave; in later years she became a moral reformer and traveled and settled briefly (sojourned) throughout the Eastern United States articulating her message.  She was named in 2014 as one of the Smithsonian Institution’s “100 Most Significant Americans.”

I had never heard of a person named ‘Sojourner’ before, but I immediately liked the name.  I’ve been called various things in my earlier life (various nicknames, titles, roles) but if somebody called me Sojourner now I would probably be immediately drawn to them because of their insight. We are all sojourners throughout our entire life upon this earth whether we realize it or not.

Several years ago, I explained in one of my weblog postings why I liked many of John Denver’s songs.  One of those songs has a lyric in it that goes,

“Lost and alone on some forgotten highway, traveled by many remembered by few.  Looking for something that I can believe in, looking for something that I’d like to do with my life.”

He goes on to say that,

“Tomorrow is open. . . ” and “There’s a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me, my life is worth the living, I don’t need to see the end.”

I perceive that many are like that. And I would concur strongly with singer/poet John Denver that ‘life is worth the living’ but differ with him in that it does help a lot to ‘see the end.’

Instead of really looking, really exploring, hopefully finding, and finally, someday, settling into a lifestyle that will be richly rewarding, far too many just take what comes along and then continue day-after-day to feel “lost and alone,” because they settled for something less than that which was destined could have been theirs. 

So, where does a person look to overcome their ennui or discomfort with their situation or station in life?  

Know that there is ‘a spirit [to] ‘guide [us] and ‘a light that shines for me’ that can give direction and example.   Open your books (or a public library’s books) and read some biographies of people who made a mark on their world.  In another weblog I commented on one such book that I would highly recommend:  David Brooks’s (2015) The Road to Character.  You will find in it many, perhaps just like you, who were on the road or ‘forgotten highway’ but took the right turn.  (In addition you might read once again Robert Frost’s little poem The Road Not Taken and see what it tells you.) 

But it isn’t just in books that we find direction.  There are living people all around who can be of great help.  And there is a Spirit to guide you.

Once we find our direction and come to sense our destination, however it is revealed to us, or by whom, we need to never again feel that our life is without purpose. 

One final hint:  Find someone or some place to be of service to or in and you will much more likely to find the ‘light that shines for me.’  

SEASONAL MANNERS TUNEUP

As the holiday season approaches many people find they are invited to dinner parties (Thanksgiving meals or Christmas or New Years’ parties) or decide to host dinners themselves.  For young people it is more often the former. That being the case, and since this weblog articulates an ‘old school’ approach to life, I thought it would be well to dredge up a few lessons your mother (hopefully) taught you.

In social settings a few principles should guide our behavior.  If these are in place the specifics that follow might make more sense. 

First point:  In interacting with people of any age, simple courtesies should always be practiced.  If you forget the details just be courteous. Someone said “Politeness is love in trifles.”  Your non-verbal communication in the first 3-5 seconds will establish your relationship.  You should want that to be an “I care about myself, but I care more about you” encounter.  A positive, cheerful radiant attitude will compensate for almost any faux pas (social mistake, pronounced ‘fo-, pa) you might make.  Show concern and sensitivity for others. Be warned, however, if you fail to say ‘thank you,’ ‘please,’ and ‘I’m sorry,’ anything else you might do or fail to do might not make much difference in the long run. 

A few other fundamentals then down to the details:  A small gift (e.g., flowers or candy) to the hostess of a gathering is always in order and appreciated. Smile with your face and your voice.  Use good eye contact.  Especially when there are other distractions you need to stay focused on the one who you are talking with.  Be loud enough to be heard, but use soft gracious tones. Avoid annoying habits such as scratching, picking, poking, slurping, standing too close, etc. Practice good posture.  In conversation do not make belittling comments or be perceived as being contentious or a know-it-all. Don't dominate a conversation.  Immediately following first encounters or special occasions write short ‘thank-you’ notes.

Table manners.

·        Don’t be late.  When the host/hostess signals that the dinner is ready you be ready immediately.  Stop your conversation, listen up, and go to where you are to assemble without delay. 

·        Don’t touch your food or drink until a blessing is asked or the host begins to eat or he/she instructs the guests to begin eating. 

·        Sit straight.

·        Pass food clockwise.  Don’t begin to eat until others get all or most of their food. 

·        Take small portions to begin with.  You can ask for seconds later.

·        Never blow on food or hot liquids. 

·        Don’t ever say anything negative about food.

·        Never push food with your fingers or lick fingers.  Use your napkin and keep it on your lap.  Do not blow your nose in your napkin!

·        Never wipe off silverware.

·        Do not chew ice.

·        Always pass salt and pepper as a pair. Be alert to pass things to others.

·        When taking butter, jellies, etc., place on a plate—not directly on your bread, and then spread on a small piece at a time—not the whole thing. Also, don’t cut a roll; you ‘break’ bread.

·        With soup, slide the spoon away from you and tip the bowl away. Don’t drink from a bowl.  Bring the spoon up to your face, not your face down to the bowl or plate.

·         Cut only a few bite-size pieces at a time and always eat chicken with a fork.

·        Always turn your head away when sneezing or coughing and never blow your nose at the table.

·        Pause to swallow before responding to a question.  Don't ask a question when the person you are asking has just put a bite in his mouth. 

·        Get up from the table on your left side and slide your chair back under.

·        Always thank the hostess and comment favorably about your meal or some portion of it (e.g., "great dessert!")

Introductions.

The principle to remember is to always show deference and respect.  If you are the introducer, after stating the name of the ‘higher ranking person’ – the person being introduced to – say something like, “please meet,” or “I would like to introduce,” or “this is.”  Examples:

• ·        “President Lincoln, I would like to introduce my brother Ken to you.”
• ·        “Susan, this is my friend from college, Bob Smith.” (Always introduce the man to the woman, regardless of age.)
• ·        Pay attention to names. Use their name immediately after being introduced and several times in the ensuing conversation.
• ·        Keep a small card and pencil in your pocket to write down names and brief identifying notes as soon as discreetly possible.  Believe me, it will help. 

·        When being introduced say something like this:

Ø “President Lincoln, it is such an honor to meet you.”

Ø “Susan, I’ve really been looking forward to meeting you.”

Ø “I’ve heard such great things about you.”

Ø “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Smith.”

Happy holidays.  These thoughts may make them a little more relaxed for you.

TURNING POINTS

We’ve all had experience with combination locks.  We know that to unlock the lock we must know the combination and dial each of the numbers in exactly the correct order.  We also must start the process by clearing the combination by turning the dial the right direction to start the process and then turning it forward and backward the right number of turns between numbers.

We need to know a few other things to be able to operate the lock: 

• ·        We must be careful not to have any ‘overruns’ or ‘underruns’ between the numbers or turning points.  Precision is important.
• ·        We cannot speed up the process by skipping numbers or substituting numbers.
• ·        Wishful thinking or being ‘creative’ with the process, or having great desire, alone, will not open the lock.  You have to turn the dial as indicated.
• ·        We must have enough light to see the numbers clearly.
• ·        If you mess up, being sorry, alone, will not get the lock open.
• ·        Force will not help the process along.
• ·        If you make a mistake anywhere along the way you will not be successful just by going on; you must go back and start the process all over again.
• ·        You must not allow the mechanism rust or corrode through lack of use.

Where am I going with this?

In unlocking your potential or unlocking opportunities or getting access to treasures or other things of value to you,  you must follow the principles this lock example represents.  There is a process to finding success to almost anything.  You cannot just hope good things will come your way.   There is an old oriental saying that says “He who waits with his mouth open for a roast duck to fly in is in for a long wait.”  You need to make things happen.

Fortunately, in life, there are instruction books or people who can help if you are not too proud to engage them in your behalf.  There are also examples and people who didn’t quit when they had failures but knew they were on the right track.  Read about Thomas Edison’s 1,600 experiments and failures and be glad he didn’t quit.  Don’t  you quit.  

But don’t overlook a ‘turning point’ either.  

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

Note:  This was written to a group of young single men who I work with and with whom I am fond. I suppose, with adjustments, it could apply to young women or even with marrieds as they reevaluate their relationships, as always they must.
``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` 

I’m going to generalize here, fully recognizing that every woman in the world is different from every other one but there are some commonalities among the opposite sex that you must recognize if you are to understand them and interact successfully with them. 

 First of all men must realize from the ‘get-go’ that women are psychologically different from themselves.   The title one author gave to his book was ‘Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus.’  Women look at things differently. They see things differently. Different things interest them; different things hurt them.  They generally put more value on some things than most men do, and less on other things.  They are ‘wired’ differently; they have different brain chemistry and different hormonal balances.

To understand women you must respect their differences as you must also appreciate their differences.  (I know you already appreciate their delightful differences but that is only superficial.) Here is how they are really different:

·        If you want to be successful with a woman you must, must, must learn to communicate with her.  That means listening to her—really listening.  Listening involves more than just the ears. That means you look at her, at her eyes; you don’t interrupt her; you pay attention and really try to understand  what she is saying or not saying but meaning and expecting that you pick up on.  Only this way can you pick up on what she is feeling; because knowing and honoring what she is feeling is critical.  Women are more emotionally driven than men.  You must provide feedback to show that you are really hearing what she is saying.

·        Being more emotionally driven doesn’t mean that women are less intelligent. They as a gender are just intelligent but often in different ways.  Neuroscientists sometimes identify their intelligence as more centered in the right hemisphere of the cerebral cortex of the brain (the creative side) and the male in the left hemisphere (or analytical side).  One way you could look at it is that each gender is to some extent ‘half brained’ and for  either male or female to be a whole person they must come together with each complementing the other to help with their deficiencies.   The Bible teaches that, “It is not good that man (or woman) should be alone.”  And neither does a normal man want to be alone.  And neither does a normal woman want to be alone;  but many, especially educated women, would rather be alone than with a dolt of a man.

So, to get down to it, here are a few things I suggest:

1.     Women process things verbally.  Talking comes first. Women bond with other women (or men) by sharing ‘feelings.’  When with her, respectfully listen and empathetically respond to her thoughts and feelings first. Smile, nod, develop and use non-verbal skills. Show that you understand her and appreciate her (if you do); but if you don’t, then ask for more detail.  No matter what, do respect her and do not criticize her. Then share things about yourself—your feelings and your values as well.  As you share your feelings and values and goals with her she gets to know you much better than just sharing what you do, did, know, have, or want.  Remember, though, don’t focus or spend too much time on yourself. The focus is on her, not you. 

2.     Know that ‘little things’ mean a lot to a woman.  I’m talking about small acts of kindness or courtesies, or remembrances, cards or inexpensive gifts. Surprise her.  Do more than you are asked to do.  Wash her car, hang a picture for her, do something that helps her.  But don’t let a dependency relationship develop either for you or for her on you until you are truly committed to her and she to you.  Even then, it is not healthy to be ‘dependent,’ but rather in time learn to be ‘inter-dependent’, complementary—but that comes later, in marriage.  Backing up, after you’ve had a date, when you are home alone, write down things she said, likes, hopes for, values, and did.  Then, if you are pursuing things with her, bring them up in later conversations.

3.     When trying for a date, plan things in advance.  When you do call, ask her to do something specific with you—a sporting event, an art show, a concert, a dog show, on a hike, to go to church, to look at a car you are interested in, working on a project together, serving in the community, etc.  Just ‘hanging out,’ especially if it turns into a group thing doesn’t count for much in advancing a relationship.

4.     If you are rejected but still interested try again.  Give her space and give her time.  Always respect her boundaries.

5.     Don’t come across as needy—or dependent.  Weakness is not attractive in a man.  You are not looking for another mother for yourself. 

6.     When you come to the point where you are considering marriage to a woman who you have gotten to know very well, and who you could commit your life to with honor and without reservation, know that when it comes to predicting happiness in a marriage, you want to find somebody who is as similar to you as possible on the things that matter most. 

7.      Gentlemanly behavior comes across much better than a ‘macho man’ or a braggart or an aggressive type.  Be pleasant, not crude.  Develop a smile.

8.     Be clean and well-groomed.  Be your best self: be interesting.  If you are not interesting, start learning something that sets you apart somehow. 

Always look for things you can compliment her on.  Look for the good. Don’t ever leave her without complimenting her on something.

WE CAN WORK IT OUT

I would like to take off today on the lyrics to a popular Beatles song of a generation ago. Let’s think this through. . .  

                    We Can Work It Out

                               by John Lennon and Paul McCartney

Try to see it my way
Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on?
While you see it your way
Run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone

We can work it out
We can work it out

Think of what you're saying
You can get it wrong and still you think that it's all right
Think of what I'm saying
We can work it out and get it straight, or say good night

We can work it out
We can work it out

Life is very short, and there's no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend
I have always thought that it's a crime
So, I will ask you once again
Try to see it my way
Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong
While you see it your way
There's a chance that we might fall apart before too long

We can work it out
We can work it out

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Think of what the lyrics are saying.  The singer is saying, “I’m right and you are wrong.”  But then he is saying “WE can work it out.”  Do you detect some problem here?  I do. There is truth mingled with error in the whole set of lyrics. 

Truth:  We can work it out.

Truth: Life is very short, and there’s no time for fussing and fighting, my friend 

Error:  …see it my way. 

Singer’s interpretation of ‘seeing it your way’:  You are wrong. Result?  Defensiveness.

 

What do each of us (couples, employers / employees, neighbors, teams, nations) want?  To get our way.

A better solution:  Let’s get together and work it out with a ‘win-win’ solution.

 

How to do it:  Agree that neither party will try to get what they want by lying, deceit, flattery, manipulation, bribes, demanding, force, position power, threats or even compromise (I will soon get to this). 

Agree that there could be a third way (not my way, not your way, but a better way).

The way?  Seek first to understand then to be understood. Come to understand the other person’s perspective first.  Listen, and then listen again.  Only then talk.  You have two ears and one mouth.  Use them in that proportion.  If we rely only on our own intelligence or experiences we suffer from a shortage of data.  Tap into their view of things. Add to it your view of things.  Explore other views of things pertaining to your concern.

   

Then, Synergize (not ‘my way’ alone; not ‘your way’ alone but a third way where we both ‘win’). Synergizing is becoming interdependent. We create or come to recognize new alternatives—something that wasn’t there before—creating a new script for us working together. You complement each other—not compete with each other.  We do this by aligning ourselves with universal principles that are outside of ourselves. Some of these principles are Life itself—what sustains it and promotes it; another is Justice or fairness; others are Responsibility; Work; Peace; Respect; Mercy; Purpose; Integrity; Honesty; Cooperation; Faith in something higher than ourselves.

Synergizing is better than compromising.  Compromise is lose-lose: (3-2=1)  Synergizing is Win-Win – a new solution arrived at by working together: (1+1=3 or more!)   

Yes, we can work it out. 

But we first have to get out of ourselves. 

p.s.  I would recommend a careful reading of Stephen R. Covey’s outstanding book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.  This is one of the three or four most important books I have ever read.